Why Am I Not An Attachment Parent?

Short Answer?

I have no idea.

I've been thinking about parenting styles a lot over the past few days. Like most parents, I often feel like I am failing at this whole parenthood thing. Many days I look over my performance and I cringe at all the ways I flubbed and I imagine all the ways my kids will suffer because of my inadequacy. I find solace in conversations with friends who also struggle, who share the same frustration and triumph of rough days.

I also meet moms who seem to have it completely together. Moms whose strengths are the opposite of my weaknesses. Moms whose grace and patience I envy. Moms who, unintentionally, make me feel like I have no idea what I am doing.

What brought on all this overthinking?

My mom's neighbor.

The other day I was talking with my mom's neighbor, whom I will call Mary. Mary is a lovely woman with 6 kids, of which her youngest four are between the ages of 2 and 10. Since I visit my mom a lot, I've chatted with Mary many times before. My girls have played with her kids. I see her outside often. You see, Mary is always outside with her kids. Her kids play outside all day long, under the careful watch of their mother, as all kids should.

Over time I've learned bits and pieces about Mary. I knew she homeschooled her children, and recently learned she is passionate about couponing. Her kids are kind, polite, and play well together. What I have been most struck by, though, is Mary's joyful demeanor, her patience, and, most of all, her contentment.

I had a chance to chat with her in more depth a few days ago. And somehow the conversation turned to parenting styles. I learned that when she was raising her two oldest sons (who are in their twenties now), she was in sales for a large company. Her boys were in school, and as a family they travelled the world. There is a large gap between her oldest kids and her youngest. And somewhere in that time, something changed for Mary. She took her kids out of school (even the oldest, who was a freshmen in high school at the time). And as she started adding new kids to the family, she began practicing attachment parenting.

"In the first year of my kid's lives, I never put them down," Mary shared. And it's true. Her latest addition is close to 18 months old, and for the first 12 months, Mary carried her everywhere. I watched her do it. But let me emphasize, happily. She did this happily. She didn't begrudge or complain. She was always the picture of pride and grace as she worked through each of her kids first years (of which I witnessed her two youngest). 

Mary also shared that they co-sleep with the youngest 4. The oldest of the four is getting to an age where he is considering moving to his own room, but hasn't made the leap yet. "Oh we love it. We all sleep in our room, read books. The youngest two sleep with us in the bed since they are so small. I wouldn't have it any other way."

During our conversation I couldn't help but ask question after question, as I was completely intrigued with her way of life. I find myself overwhelmed with two rambunctious kiddos, yet she finds a way to masterfully homeschool her brood while practicing attachment parenting. I've never seen her yell (a weakness of mine that I am ashamed of). I asked, "Do you ever go out with your husband? Do you have time away from the kids?"  Mary shook her head. "Nope, we hardly ever go anywhere. And we like it that way. We travelled the world years ago. We like being home now. We like being with our kids."

There are a million combinations of parenting styles out there. Some parents strictly follow certain philosophies, while others pick and choose aspects that reflect their natural tendencies and beliefs. I think how we were raised greatly affects how we parent our own kids. I shared that my family was not terribly physically affectionate, which impacts how I interact with my girls today. Our personalities play largely into our parenting styles as well.

Yet, as I spoke with Mary, I found myself wanting what she had. I found myself wondering if I've been doing it wrong this whole time. I started asking myself, "What if I'd been more flexible with scheduling and sleeping? What if I'd held my kids more? Have I not snuggled them enough?" I became acutely aware of my faults and weaknesses, cringing at the thought of how I might look through the eyes of other parents. And I wondered how badly I was completely screwing my kids up due to the parenting choices I've made thus far.

So I've been processing all this for a few days.

And you know what conclusion I've come to?

I'm a Parenting Work-in-Progress.

I am sure if someone had to define my parenting style, they would see me as a conglomerate of many random philosophies. I seem to be a make-it-up-as-you-go kind of mom. In the end, I try to do what works for me: what is best for me, what is best for my kids, what gets me through the day. I work on learning and changing, because I'm always trying to be a better mom. 

And most importantly?

I love my kids with all my heart.

This is one of the most important qualities a parent can have.

As I learn, I grow. I try new things. And I am so, so glad I got a chance to sit down with Mary. Because it gives me an opportunity to take a hard look at how I am parenting right now, and how I might changes things for the better.

So you, friend?

You are a work in progress. You are not finished. You are not set. You can learn, change, grow. You can be better. Don't let your faults get you down, don't let your weaknesses hold you back. Today is a new day. You get a clean slate, a fresh start.

Today is the first of many days you can be a new kind of parent.

And if today is not your day?

Tomorrow works too.

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The Childless Mommy {Parenting Perspectives}

I am so thankful for Sabrina, who reached out to share her perspective of parenting as a Mommy who has yet to become a Mommy.  

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You’ve just finished reading her favorite book 4 times to her and she finally fell asleep in your arms.  You look at that beautiful face and see her daddy’s adorable nose and your cherry red lips.  You can’t help yourself but to stick your nose on that little neck and breathe in her scent.  You love her so much it makes you clench your teeth tightly together.  Quietly you get up, place her in her crib and sneak out of the room, glancing back at the miracle you created.   Maybe every night doesn’t go that smoothly, but even those nights where you find yourself going insane trying to get them to go to sleep, after fights with taking a bath or brushing their teeth, you can’t help but love your little one so unconditionally.  

If you met me, you might wonder how I know how all of this feels because… I don’t have children.  

My answer to you would be… I am a mother.

I can’t describe to you how I know this, but deep inside I know I am.  My husband and I waited to have children until we were fully ready and capable {financially, emotionally, mature}.  We had it all planned out with getting off birth control, allowing it time to leave my system.  I gave up caffeine and any foods/liquids that may affect my body when trying to have a baby.  No laptop on the lap, hot baths, read the first chapter of What to Expect When You’re Expecting.  Everything would be great, right?  Well, I never got my period.  Yea, I felt like the only woman who wanted it.   I went to the doctor after 5 months and he had to put me on a prescription to get it.  Period finally came, then the countdown began for that good old ovulation miracle…  Nothing!  Took home ovulation tests for the next two rounds of drug induced periods… once again… Nothing!  To make a long story short I have tried multiple different fertility drugs and I didn’t ovulate {I am becoming a pin cushion for blood tests}.

At one point I hit rock bottom.  I’m healthy and active, why would this be happening?  I yearn for a child more than I ever thought I would.  Internally I just know I would be a great mom and my husband will be a great dad {he already is to our fur baby}.  Sometimes some moments are easier than others.  Yoga has really helped me focus and find peace.  I need that because other moments are harder than others:

Example 1:  At a group meeting for a program I volunteer for {Girls On The Run – where the mission is “to educate and prepare girls for a lifetime of self-respect and healthy living”} a few of the ladies I was sitting with asked what grade my daughter was in, when I responded with the fact that I don’t have children they got a little flustered and not even sure of how I heard of the program {just trying to give back to the community}.

Example 2:  My husband was at work recently and when asked what he did over the weekend he had told them he went with me to see the Disney movie Brave.  A coworker responded with: “Why did you go see that, you don’t have kids?”  {I had no idea you needed kids to enjoy a good movie}!

Example 3:  Simply sitting in the OBGYN office – you’ve never seen more parent magazines and pregnant women until you can’t have a baby … oh and Ikea!  Ikea breeds pregnant women!

Example 4:  I hate to use this word because some of these have been said by people I love, but some ANNOYING things said to us are:

·         Lose weight

·         Gain weight

·         Relax

·         We’re struggling too {and they already have children – I know, so hypocritical of me}

·         Just get IVF {does anyone really know what that entails?}

·         You don’t  understand, you don’t have kids

While these examples may not seem overly offensive, they just get to you when you want a child so bad.  When you live your life like you have children, hoping to better prepare yourself and your partner for the magic a child can bring to your life.  It’s all worth it:  the increase of intake of hormones and the switching of which hormones to take, the acne {all over your body}, quick weight gains and losses, emotional craziness, hunger, laziness, hyperness – everything that comes from what it takes to have this child I know I already love so intensely.

The next time you think that someone has it easier or that they don’t understand because they don’t have children… think again.  It’s a lonely world when you’re infertile, especially in the blogging world where the strengths of many bloggers seem to stem from being a mommy.  It’s a silent disease that makes you feel as if you are missing a piece of yourself.  If you’re going through this, know you’re not alone!

Great website for information and a place to find support: 
RESOLVE – www.resolve.org                                 

Need a good laugh, this one helps too: www.999reasonstolaugh.com

Sabrina's blog home is Neverland Nook, as well as her Neverland Nook Etsy store.

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For more in the Parenting Perspectives series, click here.

A Mom With A Traumatic Past {Parenting Perspectives}

A courageous post from Kelly S: 

The Effect of a Traumatic Past on my Parenting Today

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Imagine that you are a bull headed young woman in a family of 13 kids.  You are one of seven girls.  It is 1978, and you are graduating high school.  You want to go to college, but your father says that women don’t go to college.  

You are stubborn.  You fight him tooth and nail because you have your mind set on being the first female that you know to complete college and become an independent, self supporting woman.  Your dad goes as far as offering to buy you your own car, in a family of 13 kids mind you, and says he will also give you $2,000 if you do not go to college, but instead, you opt to pay your own way through school and go anyway.  This is your life dream after all.

But… in your junior year of college, your father’s worst fear is realized – you get pregnant.

Not only are your pregnant in college, but it’s with a jack ass frat boy of all people.  Gross.  Since your family doesn’t believe in giving children up for adoption, you keep the baby and marry the father like everyone believes you should.  Now, this baby is the only reason you are married to a frat guy and no longer living your heart set dream of being an independent woman.  

How do you feel towards the baby?

I didn’t know the answer to this question, but I have played the above out in my head many times.  This scenario is what I know about the situation my mother was in at the time that I was born.

Obviously, it was less than ideal.  There are so many factors that automatically made the circumstance a recipe for disaster – not married, not mature, no money, no job, little support, and the list goes on and on and on.

As a result, my childhood was quite traumatic.  The interesting thing was that the dysfunction was all behind closed doors.  My parents were church going, family oriented people to the outside world.  In fact, most people classified them as “saints” for getting married, keeping me, and “working it out.”

Behind closed doors, I was physically beat rather frequently and told that there was something wrong with me.  The list of physical, mental, and emotional abuse that I experienced is long.  I will spare you the details, but if you’ve ever watched a good Lifetime movie, you might have some idea.  

Growing up, I guess I never really felt the type of love that a child feels from their parents, but I didn’t know any different.  My sister went on to get licensed to provide therapy to children in bad situations.  So, she has a lot of psychiatric knowledge and has told me that my problems with my parents growing up stemmed from the fact that was that I wasn’t “unconditionally loved.”

Despite all of this, I somehow managed to grow into a normal, productive member of society.  I went to college, got married, and even started a family of my own.  

When my first child was born, I held him in my arms, looked into his eyes, and was immediately in love.  As most parents know, it was a love deeper than I knew I was capable of feeling.  It was, and still is, absolutely amazing.  

The caveat was that all of these new and overwhelmingly positive emotions came with one big, and not so fun, realization – I had not been loved this way as a child.  

It was the first time that I knew this was a fact even though it had been suggested to me before.  When I held my baby in my arms and was so incredibly overwhelmed with love, I just knew then and there that this wasn’t how my mother felt about me.  Of course I was sad, and it hurt, but I was much too focused on my new little love to let it really affect me.

Although I wasn’t too upset by this horrible realization, as time went on, something else was affecting me, and I was completely unaware.  It really started when I went back to work.  While I did know that I was losing my mind about leaving my child,  what I didn’t know was why.  

Most moms aren’t exactly jazzed up about going back to work (if they have to) and leaving their precious new baby, but I wasn’t getting over it.  I cried everyday for months at the thought of my baby needing me and me not being there for him.  The thought of him crying and not being tended to appropriately… ugh, it still turns my stomach.  So, I did everything that I could think of to fix our financial situation so that I wouldn’t have to work.  I even met with lawyers about foreclosing on our house…  

In the end, there was no solution.  I just had to keep working.  

All that I wanted was to be there for my child, but I was gone so much at work.  So, in my effort to work through things and be the best mother possible, I went to a therapist to see if she could help me.  The therapist pointed out that it seemed as though I was concerned that my child wouldn’t feel safe at daycare if his needs weren’t tended to promptly just as I hadn’t felt safe as a child.  She was exactly right.  This was the root of my anxiety.

Parenting through this “post traumatic childhood” anxiety has been an interesting experience.  On one hand, I would love to snap my fingers and the anxiety and scars from my past would be gone, but on the other hand, it is exactly that which has shaped my own family today in a positive way.  

Through the therapy, I have become a better person, closer to my husband, and a kick ass parent.  If I hadn’t had all of my past experiences, I never would have gone to talk to someone.  I have learned so much through the therapist, and even more on my own once I knew what the root of my anxiety was.

I find it interesting how much a person’s past affects their present relationships and life decisions.  Even without experiencing a significant “trauma,” everyone has negative experiences that shape who they become.  

There is a choice - people can allow bad experiences to continue to affect the rest of their lives in a damaging way, or they can choose to use that energy to produce something positive for the future, which is the case for me.  Although it took me a long time to get to such a positive place, my past of being abused has actually produced positive things for my own family today.

I wouldn’t say the same for my parents though.  I feel sorry for them that they haven’t gone through the amazing journey that I have in counseling.  I have landed in a place of peace and confidence (most of the time anyway…), and they are still suffering.  

They’re not suffering because I haven’t forgiven them.  I moved on a long time ago.  I believe they are suffering because they’re scared.  They fear what would happen if they admitted to themselves the depth of the pain they inflicted on me as an outlet for their own agony at the time.  I wish they realized that they still have time to forgive themselves for the way they handled the “mistake” they made so long ago.  

It’s never too late for someone to heal their past wounds.  All it takes is a little gut to admit any dark inner thoughts and feelings to a therapist, or even just yourself, and the desire to change.

Kelly is a freelance writer who regularly blogs about lighter topics on her new site www.inthemomlight.com where she chronicles the usually funny, always interesting journey to find confidence as a parent.   

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Does this hit home with you? Does it give you a better understanding of where another Mom comes from? I hope thsee posts are helping to widen our perspectives, and open our hearts a little more. Click here to read more Parenting Perspectives posts.

If you are interested in contributing your own guest post, fill out the form below.

A Mom Who Puts a Positive Spin on Autism {Parenting Perspectives}

Reflections on parenthood from From Natalie T.

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Following a healthy, full-term pregnancy my husband and I were blessed by the arrival of our second son, James. During his first year James developed normally and reached all the typical developmental milestones. However, shortly after his 1st birthday things began to change. We noticed that the few words he had disappeared, that it was harder to get his attention and that he didn’t respond to his name as often as he used to. We attributed it to him focusing on more physical activities as he was learning to stand and walk and had just redirected his energy and focus to this versus his speech and communication skills. 

At his 15 month checkup there was no improvement so his pediatrician recommended we start him in the Early Intervention Program to improve his social and language skills. In November at his 18-month checkup it was recommended that we see a Developmental Pediatrician just to rule out certain conditions as well as check for a developmental delay. I quickly called as many Developmental Pediatricians offices as I could find and, was discouraged to learn that they all had a 6-12 month wait in order to be seen. 

While we waited for this appointment we added new services through Early Intervention so he was now receiving Special Instruction and Speech Therapy once a week. We also discovered he had some sensory processing issues and were able to add Occupational Therapy to help in this area. James made some progress but was still not interacting or communicating like most 2 year olds.

Finally, after 8 months of waiting, we headed to The Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia for our 4-hour evaluation with several different specialists. They put him through various tests, games and activities to see what he was capable of and where he was lacking. Then the waiting began. We had to come back two weeks later to find out the results. 

As a parent despite knowing that your child shows signs of Autism you continue to hold out hope that maybe it is something less severe. I spent hours researching the signs and symptoms of Autism but found while he exhibited a handful of symptoms, there were a large number that he did not have. When I thought of Autistic children I pictured kids who made no eye contact, did not interact socially with their peers and who were unaware of others feelings or emotions. 

This was not my son. My son makes limited eye contact, enjoyed interactive games like paddy cake and peak-a-boo and loved running around and chasing his older brother. He would also show empathy and become very upset and even cry if his brother was crying. Although I tried to realistically prepare myself for the worst, I continued to hold out hope for the best. 

I was extremely anxious as we headed to CHOP for his results. The doctor came in and very calmly told us that James does in fact have Autism. Despite having prepared myself for this news it felt as if someone had just sucked all the air out of the room. I fought with every ounce of strength in me to hold back the tears and reminded myself that I needed to focus, take in what the doctor was telling us and ask as many questions as possible while I could. 

Over the next hour I continued to fight back the tears but managed to take in most of what the doctor was saying. Towards the end of the appointment the doctor left the room to get us some information and I broke down. I continued to cry the whole car ride home and would break down in tears every time a family member or friend would call and I had to tell them the news I had been dreading – James has Autism!

That night I wrote my feeling in a journal, something I never do, but thought it would be cathartic. Here is a little of what I was experiencing that day:

Today was a day that will change my life forever. A day that caused me to question so many things that I had planned for the future and caused me to feel that I have very little control over my life. Today, July 11, 2012 I found out my sweet baby boy James has Autism. I realize that life as we know it is about to change drastically but the scary part is that I’m not quite sure how. I am overwhelmed because despite knowing that all kinds of programs and treatments exist I have no idea where to start. I feel a sense of guilt wondering if it was something I did that may have caused this, something he was exposed to during pregnancy, something I could have done differently to prevent this. I feel like I have just become part of a club, a club that no one wants to be a part of. That I am now part of a special kind of family and already know that I will feel an instant bond and connection with any other parent who has an Autistic child because only they can truly understand what I am going through and all the fears that are swirling through my head. I wish the doctors had more answers but there is still so much they don’t know. I want them to reassure me that my child will be fine. I want them to tell me that with enough therapy and hard work in the end I will have a perfectly normal child who is able to live the life that we have envisioned. I mourn for my little boy because no parent wants their child to struggle or be at a disadvantage. A billion questions fill my mind: will he ever talk, be able to make friends, go to a normal school, go to college, live on his own, get married and have a family of his own one day? I am angry and question why this happened to my baby but, at the same time feel guilty knowing thousands of parents around the world are watching their children suffer and die while I have a sweet, otherwise healthy little boy. As I watched James sleep tonight I vowed I would do whatever it takes to give him the help and tools he needs to reach his fullest potential. I suddenly feel such a weight on my shoulders knowing that all the responsibility of his quality of life rests in my hands and that I have to be his advocate, fight on his behalf and make sure he gets all the tools and therapy he deserves. 

As I awoke the morning following the diagnosis I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and instead time to take action. I poured myself into learning all I could about Autism the possible causes, treatments and therapies (for more info on this see below). I ordered books from the perspective of parents, therapists and doctors so I could learn from their research and experience. I learned about the Biomedical approach to helping Autistic symptoms using supplements and alternative treatments to heal children from the inside. I learned about Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) therapy programs scientifically proven to help with communication. I decided I was going to put a plan into place to hopefully one day get my son off the Autistic Spectrum and help him lose his diagnosis. I was encouraged by the stories of parents whose children had severe cases and with the help of a rigorous therapy program saw their kids recover and lose their diagnosis! 

It has been just over a month since James was diagnosed. I have learned so much about Autism, the treatment options both mainstream and alternative as well as what they believe causes Autism in some children (for more information on this please see below). We are taking steps to try both traditional therapies such as speech and ABA in addition to alternative approaches such as supplements, diet change and possibly even using a hyperbaric chamber. 

My days are now filled with coordinating up to 20 hours a week of various therapy appointments as well as trying to implement a new and very specific diet. It’s a little surprising but this diagnosis has brought our family closer together. We realize it is a big responsibility and that we need to be a close team in order to have the best results. I also remind myself that God doesn’t make mistakes and that everything is part of a larger plan. Even though right now I may not be able to understand, I trust that God has a bigger plan for James’s life and know that He doesn’t give you more than you can handle. 

Regardless of the progress James makes in the coming years, I am extremely blessed to have two wonderful boys and a loving and supportive husband as well as family and friends who are there for us. I truly believe that even something like Autism can be turned into a positive experience – it all just depends on how you choose to look at it – and I choose to be optimistic and determined and believe that someday my son will be able to live the live we have envisioned for him.

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Many thanks to Natalie for sharing her story. We have many more to come. Click here to read more Parenting Perspectives posts. 

See below for more info on Autism.

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NOTE: Please note that I am not an expert or medical professional. I have spent several weeks learning as much as I could about Autism and it’s possible causes and treatments and the following is the common thread that I found amongst leading Autism experts as well as the common theme amongst parents of Autistic children.

What is Autism: Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome. ASD can be associated with intellectual disability, difficulties in motor coordination and attention and physical health issues such as sleep and gastrointestinal disturbances. – Autism Speaks.org

Symptoms of Autism: - www.webmd.com

• Extreme difficulty in learning language.
• Inappropriate response to people. A child with autism may avoid eye contact, resist being picked up or cuddled, and seem to tune out the world.
• Inability or reduced ability to play cooperatively with other children or to make friends.
• Inability to understand other people's feelings.
• Need for a rigid, highly structured routine -- and being very distressed by changes in routines.
• Extreme hyperactivity or unusual passivity, and extreme resistance to change.
• Aggressive, self-injurious behavior.
• Repetitive body movements, including pacing, hand flicking, twisting, spinning, rocking, or hitting oneself.
• Insensitivity to pain or lack of response to cold or heat.
• Impulsive behavior and no real fear of dangers.
• An unusual attachment to inanimate objects such as toys, strings, or spinning objects.
• Frequent crying and tantrums for no apparent reason.
• Peculiar speech patterns. A child with autism may use words without understanding their meanings.
• Abnormal responses to sensations such as light, sound, and touch. At times, a child with autism may appear deaf or may be extremely distressed by everyday noises.
• Exhibiting any of the above symptoms does not necessary mean a child has Autism. They should be evaluated by a physician in order for a diagnosis to be made. 

Possible Causes of Autism

While no one knows for sure what exactly what causes Autism, most experts believe it is due to a combination of factors.

Genetic Component: 

• Many scientists believe there is a genetic component but are not sure yet which gene is responsible
• A family history of autoimmune diseases may lead to a weakened immune system
• Common Auto Immune Diseases include: Chronic Fatigue, Fibromyalgia, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Lupus, Thyroid Disease, Celiac Disease, Diabetes, Addison’s Disease, Graves Disease, Multiple Sclerosis, Inflammatory Bowel Disease, Crohn’s Disease, Leaky Gut
• It is believed that a weakened immune system may cause a child to be unable to handle all the toxins they are exposed to both in the womb and after birth. A child with a normal healthy immune system is able to clean out or detoxify their body as toxins are introduced (through foods, vaccines, medications, environmental factors), while a child with a weakened immune system cannot detoxify properly and the toxins build up causing many of the symptoms of Autism. 

Higher Exposure to Toxins:

• While studies have shown that there is no relationship between vaccines and Autism, many Autism experts believe that for children with a weakened immune system the amount of vaccines received in such a short period of time does not allow for their body to properly process and rid itself of toxins. While most children will receive vaccines and have no adverse reaction, experts believe that some children may be negatively affected. Many parents of Autistic children have reported that with each set of vaccine shots they saw their child’s symptoms get worse. 
• In 1984 children received 10 vaccines and the rate of Autism was 1 in 10,000. Today children receive 36 vaccines and the rate of Autism is 1 in 89. While better awareness and diagnosing is definitely a reason for the increase in numbers it cannot be considered the sole reason for numbers to rise at what many are considering epidemic proportions. I am not in any way advocating that people refuse to vaccinate their children. However, I think that further studies need to be done to ensure safety. Many feel that certain vaccines may not be necessary or that vaccines should be spread out rather than given all at once thus allowing the child’s body a better chance to process the vaccine and any toxins that may be in it. 
• Mercury a known poison is used as a preservative in many vaccines, including flu shots. Even a small amount of mercury can be toxic and, mercury targets fatty tissues such as the brain. Many believe that many of the Autistic symptoms are due to mercury poisoning. Research has shown both Autism and Mercury poisoning exhibit a lot of the same symptoms. For a comparison chart see: http://www.heart-disease-bypass-surgery.com/data/articles/44.htm

Possible Treatments for Autism:

• Therapy: Applied Behavioral Analysis, Speech Therapy, Special Instruction and Occupational Therapy have all been shown to be helpful.

• Biomedical Treatments: Diet Changes such as removing gluten, casein (milk protein) and sometimes soy along with artificial colors, flavors and preservatives and sticking to an organic diet. Adding vitamin and mineral supplements to help strengthen the immune system. Chelation, which is using specific supplements to help remove toxins such as heavy metals. Treating high levels of yeast and alternative therapies such as using a Hypobaric Chamber have been used to help heal Autistic children. 

For more information on Biomedical Treatments you can check out http://www.defeatautismnow.net.

A Mom Who Doesn't Let A Chronic Illness Get Her Down {Parenting Perspectives}

A post shared by Jeanene R.

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I’m tired.

It’s a phrase I use quite often.

But its not the phrase most understand.

And I am FINE with that. I wish no illness on ANYONE.

I am a mom with Stage 5 Chronic Kidney Failure and Lupus Nephritis, and an annoying list of ugly symptoms that goes along with those diseases. BOTH of which have “extreme fatigue’ in the symptoms list… AND I am awaiting losing 20 lbs to qualify for a kidney transplant.

An average day depends on what I did the day or days before. Was I physically active? Did I clean too much? Did I run too many errands? Did I get to stay home all day with my 3 yr old?

If I was active, example, attending a family gathering, cleaning more than just one room, had a photo shoot, etc, then it may be a tough morning. Which typically includes me barely handling getting up to grab a sippy of pediasure/milk for my munchkin at 7:30, then straight back into bed while she wakes up to PBS.

Some days, I can’t get out of bed at all. I only get up to make her a quick lunch and go right back into bed.

Some days I can get up without a hitch, and make the breakfast of all champs.

My key to being a mom and living with illness is choice.

I make a mental list of what needs to be done the MOST. Because more than likely, I will only have enough energy to get one of those done.

Do I clean the kitchen or do we go outside and play til mommy needs to come back inside?

Do I make a big lunch for us, or save the energy for a nice dinner for our mini family of 3?

Its all about choice. What do you choose? Illness or life? Sadness or happiness? Victim or Victory?

And attitude. There is a silver lining in EVERY horrible situation.

Sure, I have my days where I cry in bed and wish I could just take my kid to the park like a normal mom, or have the energy to play with her somedays. Where I wonder if I’ll get to see her graduate… but I make a CHOICE not to stay in that place.

I choose to live in the NOW. I make fun in my bed when I can’t seem to move. Computer games, tv time, reading, coloring, etc. And in this my angel is beyond smart. She is a genius. Everyday I think if I die tomorrow, I have left an AMAZING little woman for the world to watch out for.

If I am feeling well, I make the best of it. We go to a park, or we run to the toy store (which she doesn’t need but if I can do it, I wanna), or make a family day for the zoo. Deep down I know I will pay for it in the days to come, but I live for TODAY.

Because TODAY is all I am guaranteed for sure.

And lastly, but mostly, God. I don’t know where I would be without Him. He alone is the reason I continue to wow my doctors of how I am able to do everything I can at only 10% kidney function.

A good attitude can make you or break you. And when you are a mom, you cannot afford to break. 

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I was so moved and humbled reading Jeanene's words. I hope you are too!  And my greatest hope is that we will all see the world with new eyes as we read all the different Parenting Perspectives shared here.

Please share your thoughts in the comments below!

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If you have a perspective you'd like to share (Single Parent? Stay-at-Home? Working? Dad? Grandparent? Divorced? Parent of Multiples? Parent of more than 3 kids? Parent of a special needs child? Homeschooler?  Another perspective all together?), please fill out this form so I can be in touch with you about helping you share your story!

Parenting Perspectives Around the World: Scotland, Part II

Here is Part 2 of Jo's ramblings on parenting in Scotland.  If you missed Part 1, you can read it here.


Enjoy!

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I-is for Immunisations - Bear has just finished his jabs until he is 3. We give them injections at 2 (two jabs), 3 (two jabs) ,4 (three jabs) and 12 months (three jabs) for a string of things covering: diptheria, tetanus, whooping cough, polio, influenza, pneumonia, meningitis, measles, mumps and rubella. Like many places, there is a lot of controversy about the MMR (measles, mumps and rubella) jab and its alleged links with autism but I do still think the benefits of being safe outweigh the limited evidence that backs up the hype. There are no injections here for chicken pox though, and its quite common for mums to try and compete to make sure their child gets it out of the way as early as possible by having "chicken pox parties" in the hopes of cross infection. Weird, but true....

K-is for Kindness. The feeling you get when someone gives you a hand with your screaming baby at the checkout so you can pay without stroking out. Edinburgers are well known for being standoffish but I think I have encountered angels this year.

L- is for Lanisoh. My favourite Mummy Product of all time. Pure lanolin in a tube, thick goop. Supposed to soothe nursing mums but I use it for everything. Dry hands, nappy rash, sore-bits-on-Bears-chin-from-drool, my husbands nose when he was complaining of a cold last week. I'm like the dad from Big Fat Greek Wedding with his Windex. Except Purple-Cracked-Nipple-Cream just ain't so quote worthy.

M-is for money.  One BIG difference I definitely notice is the cost of living differences between Scotland and America. It currently costs me $93.80 to fill my small Ford with gas. That really impacts my choices on where we can go out and about, how we shop, stops the temptation to just drive round in circles to get Bearcub to nap and makes you consider all your leisure choices carefully. Being a full time stay at home mum is simply not an option for most - they are definitely an endangered species and those out there keep a low profile as they are often villified by envious peers. My lovely pal Mairi was the only one out of 27 parents in her antenatal group not back at work by the time her son was 8 months old! Flea markets are the in places to buy toys too - a recent Edinburgh nearly-new sale had a queue of 770 mums waiting to get in!

N-is for Night hours. It gets pretty dark here in the winter. This week dusk is at 3.15pm with dawn at 8am. A bit confusing if you are relying on light levels to help with routine. Summer wise its even more confusing for little babies - it doesn't get dark till midnight in June.

O-is for "Oh my word, my midwife is a psycho". Seriously. I. In Scotland you get pretty regular checks throughout pregnancy by a community midwife. Mine, Aileen, was just a loony. First, she refused to believe that she hadn't helped me have a baby before and took offence when I said Bear was my first. He is. I think I would remember.  Then she spent THREE of my appointments talking exclusively about plug in aromatherapy stones. Who knew there was so much to say? And finally, most weirdly, she took a urine sample, then without testing it, tipped it down the sink, then picked up my purse and wordlessly tucked the wet bottle into a corner of it. That was the point I decided to request someone new! And my new midwife was lovely, lovely, lovely. I do love the medical profession really.

P-is for Pushing. A recent article revealed that the British Government has decreed that us UK ladies are "too posh to push" and should all have the choice for c-sections even if not necessary. Controversial. Natural childbirth wasn't fun persay, especially since no one believed me I was in labour so I got NO pain meds (heck yes, I did it drug free. My response - just don't) but I'm really not sure that is the answer. If you aren't ready to push you probably should have considered that 9 months previously - I have discovered that physical pain is really the least of the pain you feel once you have a little person looking to you to meet every need.

S-is for Sleep. According to my health visitor British babies are ideally supposed to sleep in a basket, with feet touching the bottom, on their backs, in a sleeping bag (Gro-bag or Dream Pod depending on preferred brand) and in their parents room with them for at least the first six months. Get this - "OTHERWISE THEY WILL DIE OF SIDS (COT DEATH)" . That is a relaxing message isn't it? Don' worry, even if you do that, they probably will be at risk anyway and Meningitis could be completely symptomless for you so just be completely scared witless for the first two years and you will almost be doing enough to prevent a slow painful (but preventable if you watch out for 548 different factors at all times) death for you and your baby. Isn't that attitude nuts?  Having been completely taken aback that my nephew would be in a room on his own this trip, and considering that Brits are continuing to see their babies grow older healthily day by day  I gather that my health visitor may have been overdoing it slightly on the warnings and there are different ways of doing things.

T-is for Television. We just get the free public channels. One of these is called C Beebies and Bear and I LOVE it. Slightly concerned that sometimes I choose to watch it when he is napping....  Check out these cool shows on YouTube - "In the Night Garden", "Abadas", "Show Me Show Me" or "Something Special"  for a taster of British Baby viewing.

(in case you, like me, couldn't resist checking out youtube:

U-is for Umbrellas. I had to mention it sometime. This summer I had 6 days from May-October where we could sit outside. Six. Thats not even freaking double digits. You would think that at least that means I am spared the stress of worrying about baby sunburn. However, we are all so glow in the dark white as a result that the slightest sign of sun and we all lobster ourselves. Plus we get the replaced worry of Vitamin 

D deficiency. Just as well that Scotland is otherwise the world's best place to live. Purely on the basis of how hilarious my country men are. We had a 165mph hurricane the other week. Did we despair? No. Did we weep to the cameras as homes were destroyed and 50,000 people lost power? No. Instead we took part in online competitions to be the most blackly hilarious and post shots of the new pandas from Edinburgh zoo being blown over the castle. Seriously. With this weather that means you need 16 layers for your child every time you leave the house if you didn't laugh you would cry.

V-is for Vehicles. Not sure what the situation is in the states, but my buggy (push chair) cost more than our first two cars. It doesn't even have an engine. That would be sweet.

W-is for Weaning. The current crazy fad here is "Self led weaning" where you go straight from milk to giving baby what you are eating, with no in-between purees stage and no spoons! The idea is that if they are ready they will just teach themselves by eating a wide variety of flavours and textures and you will not only save yourself the bother of months of blending and separate baby meals, but will end up with a well rounded non-fussy eater. What seems to actually be the case is bucket loads of wasted, thrown food, mothers permanently terrified of their children choking and some very angry hungry babies! Bear and I decided to mush things for a while and then when he was ready (ie refusing all I offered him and instead eyeing my plate) I just let him explore more solid foods, filling him up with purees once he was tired. Will my child end up fussy? Probably - I am a total fussy eater so can't expect otherwise. But have we enjoyed weaning and is he healthy? Yes and yes. I'm all for fads, but give me a happy baby any day :)

Y-is for Yoga. There is a British kids programme called Waybuloo which teaches babies yoga. Freaks.

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So fun to read! What surprises you? What do you find interesting? Would love to hear from you!

If you have a world-wide parenting perspective, get in touch with me - I'd love to help you share your story! moderndaydonnareed{at}gmail{dot}com.

Parenting Perspectives Around the World: Scotland, Part I

Here is Jo's first installment of Parenting Perspectives: Scotland.  


Enjoy!

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So, I don't envy my lovely mother-in-law right now. Bless her. She is trying to prepare her home for the simultaneous Christmas visits of a Scottish daughter in law with a 13 month old, and an Oregon daughter in law with a three month old.  Forget the fact that the babies are going to be jet lagged in opposing directions (if you know what I mean), this is where suddenly theory meets practice in terms of Mummy vs Mommy...

As a Scot married to a Yankee, Steph asked me months ago to pen some thoughts on  the differences I had noticed between Scottish and American mothering. I have written about 20 versions of this so far but most of them ended up falling into three clear but unsatsifactory categories.

a) An annoyed sounding rant about all the hassle of being a mother here. Scots naturally have an Eeyore way of expressing themselves. We are only happy when moaning. (Hey, what can you expect in a country where the sun never shines?)

b) A polemic about the sun never shining in Scotland  Did I mention that already?

c) A string of comparisons between the two countries that doesn't actually stand up to scrutiny because I only know my side of things and am basing the rest on a teenage fascination with Sweet Valley High crossed with compulsive House MD viewing.

So today, having yet again put my foot in it by making assumptions about what my little nephew needs as opposed to what Bearcub needed at his age as I try and prepare for this Xmas trip, I thought I would start all over again! So here followeth the Scottish Mummy not quite -A-Z  (more like A-Y with some missing) of British things that Americans (maybe?) do differently....

A- Ashton and Parsons - Its teething powder that works. From a camomile plant. Its like gold dust. Rumours occasionally circulate about where you can find it and then you witness a stroller stampede (much like those videos of Black Friday carnage that appear on the web at the end of November) to buy a little match box sized container of the powders. Its been off the shelves for 5 months just now and I guard my little supply with almost as much zeal as Bear's beloved soft toy cat.

B-Breast is Best.  Brits are not good at heeding this message. We are an unhealthy nation. I have seen one year olds drinking Irn Bru (crazy orange soda) out of bottles. However, in a misguided attempt to correct this, the "Breast is Best" message is rammed down your throat from the second you conceive. At our pre-natal class, my husband and I were made to watch an Australian video on nursing from the mid-80s which repeated the mantra "100% pleasurable, 100% possible" throughout. Now, I have loved nursing my son, but we had MASSIVE problems to start out with and that saying is just not true. I felt like I was the only one in the world who couldn't do it - shouldn't it be easy and fun according to the video????  What is funny though is trying to match this nanny state approach to feeding with the natural British conservatism  - they want you to do it - but they don't want to see it.... 

C-is for Calpol. Basically baby Tylenol. Swear by it for teething, colds, fevers and just peace of mind when my Bear is just not himself. They also make Calgel teething stuff which is great.

D-is for diapers (technically nappies over here but I will humour you since I already have ideas for 'N'. We are disposable (Huggies if you are interested) all the way. Not many people in Edinburgh have gardens of their own to hang things to dry and in our tiny wee modern flat (condo?) there is nowhere to hang reusables at all. There is a growing market for nappy laundry services but I would feel bad even paying someone to deal with what Bear can produce!

E-is for Education. The jury is out here on how much to push everything as a learning experience and how much babies should be able to just play. There are free pre-school places for all kids for half a day from 3 and a quarter and that seems early enough for me. But if thats not soon enough how about Baby sign language to help them speak before they can talk? Baby foreign languages? Computer classes? 

G-is for Groups. Community, as Steph holds to, is one of the key things, if not THE key thing to keeping a mum sane. Mum and Toddler Groups therefore are really popular. I go to a small one at my church on Monday mornings and then a Toy Library group (awesome 20C to borrow a clean, working toy from vast selection for two weeks - do you guys have these?) on a Thursday. Some of the mums I meet there roam the city to go to a group every day. One group in Leith (my locality) is just for under ones and has 47 babies every week.

H-is for Health visitors. Not sure what the American equivalent is but these people are the nurses in your doctor surgery who are responsible for checking on your baby for the first few years. This means weekly visits for the first month and then they do the immunisations (see below) and you can go to drop in weekly weigh ins for the first year either by choice if your baby is deemed to be doing well or by command if not. Mums I have spoken to are pretty much divided into two camps on this. Some love their health visitors for their sage advice and kindly manner (there are lovely ones at my doctors) and others loathe theirs and are terrified of them. I had a temp health visitor at first. That was hard. Bear was feeding constantly and I was having huge issues but I felt I was doing ok. She would insist on stripping him naked, even if he was asleep and then would weigh him and frown concernedly before asking "are you sure you are feeding him dear?" You can imagine how that made me feel. I was really proud when a few months ago I ran into her again by chance and she looked at my great big Bear with disbelief and declared him a "Miracle Ad for Successful Breastfeeding". Once I have completed my psycho therapy for the trauma her initial comments had on my fragile new mum ego I think I will allow myself to feel just a little smug.....

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Check back next week for Part II, and you'll get a few more letters of the alphabet to compare parenting experiences with the Scots!

I'd love to share more worldwide Parenting Perspectives. While I doubt this blog reaches the far corners of the world, if you happen to live outside of the States and would care to share a bit about parenting where you are, please email me!  

moderndaydonnareed {at} gmail {dot} com.

I'd also love to hear what you find interesting, different or surprising (or the same!) with Jo's Scottish parenting experience. Feel free to leave a comment below and share your two cents!

CLICK HERE TO READ PART II of Jo's Parenting Perspectives in Scotland!