The Childless Mommy {Parenting Perspectives} | Confessions of a Stay-At-Home Mom

September 4, 2012

The Childless Mommy {Parenting Perspectives}





I am so thankful for Sabrina, who reached out to share her perspective of parenting as a Mommy who has yet to become a Mommy.  


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You’ve just finished reading her favorite book 4 times to her and she finally fell asleep in your arms.  You look at that beautiful face and see her daddy’s adorable nose and your cherry red lips.  You can’t help yourself but to stick your nose on that little neck and breathe in her scent.  You love her so much it makes you clench your teeth tightly together.  Quietly you get up, place her in her crib and sneak out of the room, glancing back at the miracle you created.   Maybe every night doesn’t go that smoothly, but even those nights where you find yourself going insane trying to get them to go to sleep, after fights with taking a bath or brushing their teeth, you can’t help but love your little one so unconditionally.  

If you met me, you might wonder how I know how all of this feels because… I don’t have children.  

My answer to you would be… I am a mother.

I can’t describe to you how I know this, but deep inside I know I am.  My husband and I waited to have children until we were fully ready and capable {financially, emotionally, mature}.  We had it all planned out with getting off birth control, allowing it time to leave my system.  I gave up caffeine and any foods/liquids that may affect my body when trying to have a baby.  No laptop on the lap, hot baths, read the first chapter of What to Expect When You’re Expecting.  Everything would be great, right?  Well, I never got my period.  Yea, I felt like the only woman who wanted it.   I went to the doctor after 5 months and he had to put me on a prescription to get it.  Period finally came, then the countdown began for that good old ovulation miracle…  Nothing!  Took home ovulation tests for the next two rounds of drug induced periods… once again… Nothing!  To make a long story short I have tried multiple different fertility drugs and I didn’t ovulate {I am becoming a pin cushion for blood tests}.
At one point I hit rock bottom.  I’m healthy and active, why would this be happening?  I yearn for a child more than I ever thought I would.  Internally I just know I would be a great mom and my husband will be a great dad {he already is to our fur baby}.  Sometimes some moments are easier than others.  Yoga has really helped me focus and find peace.  I need that because other moments are harder than others:
Example 1:  At a group meeting for a program I volunteer for {Girls On The Run – where the mission is “to educate and prepare girls for a lifetime of self-respect and healthy living”} a few of the ladies I was sitting with asked what grade my daughter was in, when I responded with the fact that I don’t have children they got a little flustered and not even sure of how I heard of the program {just trying to give back to the community}.
Example 2:  My husband was at work recently and when asked what he did over the weekend he had told them he went with me to see the Disney movie Brave.  A coworker responded with: “Why did you go see that, you don’t have kids?”  {I had no idea you needed kids to enjoy a good movie}!
Example 3:  Simply sitting in the OBGYN office – you’ve never seen more parent magazines and pregnant women until you can’t have a baby … oh and Ikea!  Ikea breeds pregnant women!
Example 4:  I hate to use this word because some of these have been said by people I love, but some ANNOYING things said to us are:
·         Lose weight
·         Gain weight
·         Relax
·         We’re struggling too {and they already have children – I know, so hypocritical of me}
·         Just get IVF {does anyone really know what that entails?}
·         You don’t  understand, you don’t have kids
While these examples may not seem overly offensive, they just get to you when you want a child so bad.  When you live your life like you have children, hoping to better prepare yourself and your partner for the magic a child can bring to your life.  It’s all worth it:  the increase of intake of hormones and the switching of which hormones to take, the acne {all over your body}, quick weight gains and losses, emotional craziness, hunger, laziness, hyperness – everything that comes from what it takes to have this child I know I already love so intensely.
The next time you think that someone has it easier or that they don’t understand because they don’t have children… think again.  It’s a lonely world when you’re infertile, especially in the blogging world where the strengths of many bloggers seem to stem from being a mommy.  It’s a silent disease that makes you feel as if you are missing a piece of yourself.  If you’re going through this, know you’re not alone!



Great website for information and a place to find support: 
RESOLVE – www.resolve.org                                 

Need a good laugh, this one helps too: www.999reasonstolaugh.com





Sabrina's blog home is Neverland Nook, as well as her Neverland Nook Etsy store.




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For more in the Parenting Perspectives series, click here.


12 comments :

  1. I can't imagine having waited until everything was right and get ready to not be able to live out your dream of mommyhood as of yet. I hope it get better and things change quickly into a positive for you guys. Best of luck.

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    1. Thank you! {I hope it changes quickly too.. ;)}

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  2. I am so sorry. I have known so many women who struggle with this incredibly hard journey of infertility. I pray that one day you hold your precious little one in your arms and in remembering the journey, you will be able to just revel in the sweet reward that was worth it all. May the rest of this stretch be so much shorter than it has been. I know how the months drag and each one feels longer than the the last. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  3. Oh, how I remember those days. My heart aches for you. My husband and I tried for years and years to get pregnant. I was diagnosed with "unexplained infertility". I did finally get pregnant but nobody could tell me what took so long. Now, my son is two and I am in the same boat again. Now they call it "secondary infertility" and this time they know what the problem is. I just started my first round of hormones.
    Thank you for sharing your story. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Courtney

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    1. I'll be thinking about you too! Oh the mystery of infertility.. so annoying!

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  4. You described my journey perfectly! We are now the parents of a soon to be two year old, and while she is the light of our lives, the pain of the struggle still gets me now and then. Thank you for being so brave to share your story. It does really help to know there are others in the boat

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  5. Your story is very much like my own-except yours is still in the making. Like you, my husband and I waited until we were ready for children to begin trying. We thought we would be excellent parents since we were emotionally and financially ready for kids. I mistakenly assumed that getting pregnant would be pretty easy-I was just past 30 and it seemed like so many women were having children in their 30s these days. So we booked a trip to Washington D.C. to our favorite hotel and I figured a couple weeks later I might have some good news. When it didn't happen that first month I was a little disappointed, but knew that it really could take a little time to get it right. As the months passed by and nothing was happening I became discouraged. I started researching fertility docs and my husband just kept saying everything would eventually work out. Well, I finally called a Dr. one day and scheduled an appointment. After meeting with her and having some blood tests and a surprise internal ultrasound (Yikes-I thought I was just going in for a consult ) my infertility journey had begun! And what a journey it was! Mine was considered "unexplained infertility" because nothing seemed to be physically wrong-as if that makes things easier-haha. Several rounds of drugs, injectibles and IUIs later I was unsure how we would fulfill our desire to have a child. I too heard many of the same "relax" comments by those who didn't understand. I did happen upon a woman that I worked with that was going through it also and we became each other's support through the tough times. I finally made a decision to do IVF as the Dr thought we would be a good candidates since the entire process is so controlled. Thankfully it worked on our first try and our daughter is almost 3! Most of the time I don't really think about what we went through to get her, until I read stories like your own and then I remember. And, although it was tough it was worth it! Hang in there and know you are most certainly not alone. It is a subject that needs more people talking about it-women need each other's support in the journey to become a mom!

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  6. Sabrina-
    You will make a wonderful Mother one day! It is a frustrating journey especially when people who don't want or aren't planning children get pregnant without trying. Don't lose faith!

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Hey! Share a thought or two - I'd love to hear from you! ~ Steph

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