Letters to a Divorced Kid: Part VII

Dear Friend,


I trust this letter finds you well.  I believe I'm winding down on the the things I have to share with you. I hope that you've found encouragement, support and even hope from the words of our correspondences. Everyone's journey is different, but if there is anything you've taken away, I hope it is "Don't give up."  Keep going. Keep processing. Keep talking. 


Keep healing.

Letters to a Divorced Kid Part VI

Dear Friend,


I've been thinking about you a lot recently.  Often, it is easy to forget the trials that others are going through.  They go through it day after day, minute by minute, while we go on with our lives.  So, I try to remember what your life is dealing with today.  I remind myself you may be dealing with this trial for a while, or off and on like a roller coaster ride.  That while my life happens each day as it normally does, you may be swimming in a sea of uncertainty, in a life that is unfamiliar to you. A life that you have to embrace because it is now your reality.

Letters to a Divorced Kid: Part V

Dear Friend,


It's a beautiful spring day here, and I hope the weather is treating you as nicely.  Sometimes it's an odd feeling to experience a beautiful day when there is something tragic happening in your life.  Even though I'm far removed from that time in my life, Spring was a confusing time for me in my parent's divorce.  My dad left in the Spring, and the day he left was warm and beautiful. It just didn't seem right.  I remember trying to explain that sentiment to some of my friends, and it went over their heads.


Here's the thing: People won't always understand.

Letters to a Divorced Kid: Part IV

Dear Friend,


How are you holding up?  I wonder how you've been processing my last three letters.  Do they resonate with you?  Is your experience all-together different? Everyone's divorce story is unique, but at the heart of every journey is the need to process, grow and heal.  I hope you are continuing to work through your emotions, thoughts and experiences.  

Letters to a Divorced Kid, Part III

Dear Friend,


I hope you are in good spirits since my last letter to you.  I'd imagine you are still wading through a good bit of thought and emotion.  It took me a while to get a grasp on to what was happening when I found out about my parent's divorce.  And whether this is new for you or you've been dealing with it for a while, it can still take time.


When your parents get divorced, you feel a lot of things.  I spent a long time feeling numb.  I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry.  I just didn’t feel anything.  I kind of went through my 9th grade year in a haze.  I didn’t like being at home, because it was uncomfortable when they were both there. And they fought.  But I didn’t always have many other places to go.  


Eventually, I started feeling again.  I felt sad for a long time.  And that’s ok.  It often felt like I was going through the motions of life, but watching it happen instead of participating.  After my sadness started to wear off, I began to feel angry.  I was angry for a VERY long time.  I didn’t talk to my dad for a while.  This bothered him, because he just wanted everything to be ok. One time, about six months after he left, my dad called me on the phone. We were still on unstable ground in our relationship, and I remember him saying to me quite clearly, “Steph. This is getting old. You really need to get over this.” 


Can I tell you something? 


You don’t. 


You don’t have to get over anything until you are ready.  You are allowed to be angry for as long as you need to be. You are allowed to be sad for as long as you need to be.  And you are allowed to be OKAY whenever you are ready to be.


Don't rush your emotions.  Sometimes that can make you feel worse than just dealing with the present pain and confusion.  Sure, it's painful to face hurt or uncomfortable to face change. I found it to more painful to keep up an act, especially if it is one where you are trying to convince yourself that you feel differently than you really do. In the end, you are left back where we started, facing the pain you'd just tried to ignore.


Accept that you might be sad. You might be angry. You might be numb. You might be relieved, or even happy. Accept it and take it one day at a time. Know that however you feel is appropriate. Don't let anyone dictate to you the progress you need to make.


You'll get to where you need to be eventually.


Continue to process (it's healthy), continue to talk about your feelings.  And stay strong until our next correspondence.




Yours,

You can read more in the Divorce Series here. I'd love to hear your thoughts, your stories, your encouragement, your advice - so leave a comment below.

Check back Friday for the next Divorce Memoir.

Letters To A Divorced Kid, Part II

Dear Friend,


I hope this letter finds you well.  Last week when I wrote you, I shared a bit of my story.  Being 15 years old and learning that all was not okay on the home front was a life-altering experience for me.  There is so much to deal with in the beginning years of high school, it took every ounce of me to keep going through the motions of life while, life itself was crashing down all around me. 


I had a long road ahead of me.


Here’s the thing: Divorce sucks. It just does.  Because it is something that is out of YOUR control as the kid, but totally affects every part of your life. No one ever grows up thinking that they will have to face dealing with divorced parents.  We all paint a picture of our future, our life. And in that picture, our parents grow old and grey and happy together.  There is something comforting about that image: knowing there is this constant in your life you can always count on.


So when you get the news that your parents will be getting divorced, it’s like the rug is pulled out from under you.  The constant you thought you could always count on becomes a variable.  It is unsettling, upsetting, uncomfortable.  And it does a lot of crazy things to your heart and mind.


First, you aren’t sure who you can trust.  Do you trust your mom?  Your dad?  Do you have to pick sides?  You don’t. You don't have to pick sides. You are on both sides. Because they are both your parents. And you love them both, even when you aren’t happy with the things they are doing. You love them both, even if one (or both) has hurt you.  


Maybe one of your parents walked out without looking back.  Maybe one of your parents left for another person.  Maybe your parents have amicably come to the conclusion that divorce is simply just the best option.  Regardless, they have a place in your life, in your heart. And regardless of how you feel about one (or both) of them presently, remind yourself that they will always remain your mother or father. This truth, however difficult it is to swallow, will help you in the long run. 


Even though life feels topsy-turvy, it will even out. More advice to come next week. Hang in there, friend.

Yours,

~~~~~

You can read more in the Divorce Series here. I'd love to hear your thoughts, your stories, your encouragement, your advice - so leave a comment below.


Check back Friday for the next Divorce Memoir.

Letters to a Divorced Kid: Part I

A few weeks ago, I shared that I had been doing a lot of thinking about divorce:  my own experience with my parent's divorce, the impact divorce has on our society and culture, but most importantly, the affect divorce has on kids.  I've felt led to post a bit on the topic, in hopes of ensuing discussion.


I have realized that most people have somehow been touched by divorce. Whether from a distance or very close and personal, no one who is touched by divorce comes out unscathed.  It's worth a conversation: how we've been affected, how we are still dealing with our own experiences, how we are healing, how we are not healing, how we can encourage others.


Not long ago, I wrote a letter to a young person very dear to me who is dealing with the divorce of his parents. My heart aches for all the kids whose lives are disrupted and futures are altered because their parents split up.  


Mainly because I was one of those kids.


So, I wanted to share the following letter.  It is similar to the one I wrote my young friend. And while it is aimed at kids - who often feel lost, confused and alone when dealing with divorce - I think it speaks to any of us who have faced divorce.  I'll share the letter in several parts over the next few weeks, as well as some memoir writings of my own experience in dealing with the divorce of my parents.  


I hope you'll read. But more so, I hope you'll share your stories, pass these stories along to those who need it, and be apart of the discussion. It is how we learn, grow and heal.


~ Steph

~~~~~

Dear Friend,

I know you don’t know me very well, but I grew up in a divorced family.  I was a little bit older than you, about 15, when I found out that my parents were going to get divorced.  I was absolutely devastated when I found out.  You see, I thought I had grown up with the “All-American Family.  And even though many of my friends had parents who had divorced, I did not think it was possible for divorce to happen to mine.  My parents did not fight much (not in front of me and my sisters, anyway).  So the news that my parents were going to get divorced came as a VERY big surprise.  

It’s funny, but I kind of knew something was up before they told me.  I was in 9th grade, and I distinctly remember that my parents were kind of being odd on Christmas morning.  My mom was sitting on one side of the room, my dad on the other. Not much talking was happening, and it did not feel very festive, despite the fact that it was Christmas.  We were all opening gifts and wrapping paper was everywhere, but something wasn’t right.

All of Christmas break, my parents did not talk.  My mom spent a lot of time in her room.  And my dad was on the phone a lot or out of the house. Finally, on New Years Eve, I asked my mom, “Is something wrong?  Are you going to get a divorce or something?”  I threw it out there, because it seemed ridiculous. But I wanted to ask, so she would say “NO. Of COURSE not.” Just to make myself feel better.  But she didn’t.  She said, “Maybe.”

And I felt like the world stopped. A few weeks later, I found out that my dad was leaving. And a few months after that, he finally did.  My mom fell apart. My dad grew cold and detached.  


And I was left to figure out the pieces.

~~~~~

More to come next week.  Check back on Tuesday for more of the Divorce Series.