Which Wolf Are You Feeding?

So, I decided to attend a bible study this Fall.

This may come as a bit of a surprise, as I've shared my (continuing) struggles with the bible and Christianity. Going simultaneously makes me feel a bit out of place and completely uncomfortable, yet familiar and safe. It's a very strange emotion. I'll be honest: I'm not really sure why I'm going. My struggles have not changed. I would still struggle to identify myself as a "Christian." But something in me won't let me not, either. I still have my questions. And sometimes the best thing you can do when you are burdened with thoughts and questions is to SEEK. Seek answers, seek truth, seek understanding.

I'm not sure what I will gain from this experience. Will it lead me only to a deeper place of frustration? Will it enlighten me to a new way of understanding? Only time will tell. But I will go and see what is there for me.

Why am I sharing this? It's part of my life, my journey. And during the opening session this morning, the speaker shared this native-american folktale that really struck me. I've actually been thinking about it all morning, so I wanted to share it with you. So maybe we can discuss our thoughts on it. 

It went something like this:



An old Cherokee Chief was speaking with a young boy. 

He told the boy, "There is a fight going on within you."

The boy's eyes grew wide as the Chief continued to speak.

"There are two wolves that live inside all of us: A Light Wolf and a Dark Wolf. And there is a terrible fight that goes on between them. The Dark Wolf is full of hate, greed, selfishness and lies. The Light Wolf is marked by peace, love, compassion and joy. And in you they fight."

The boy looked with great anticipation at the Chief.

"Who will win?" The boy asked.

"Whichever one you feed," he replied.

It has been on my mind all morning. Because this story speaks to all of us, religious or not. I've been asking myself, "Which wolf do I feed on a daily basis? Which one is winning in my life?"  Does my life exude love and kindness? Compassion and joy? Or do people see the Dark Wolf reflected in the way I live: greed, selfishness, resentment and arrogance?

What wolf are you feeding? 

Which one is winning out?

Matters of Faith: Death and Dying

I force my feet to take me into the room. I can hear her sharp breaths, rhythmic, each one sounding like another may not follow. My mother, stalwart, stands nearby, clearly worn by the events of the last few weeks. She watches me as I looked her over, laying withered in a bed, only a shell of the woman she had been just  several weeks earlier. 

How is she? I ask

The same, Mom answers. It's just a matter of time.

I continue to stare, waiting for some sign of life besides the mechanical breathing. I will myself to see my grandmother somewhere underneath the paper flesh, the sagging bones, the chest going up down, up down, up down. 

Do you want a moment? Mom asked. I'll step outside.

My mom had called me earlier that day, saying hospice had given my Nana less than two day to live. I should come down and say goodbye.  I had known it was coming, as the strokes kept coming and she was no longer coherent, no longer awake. I reluctantly got into my car and made the thirty minute drive to the nursing home where she was residing. I was surprised by the emotion that overwhelmed me, the tears that I couldn't stop from falling. 

I was afraid to face her.

Yet here I am, alone in a room with my dying grandmother. What does one say to a relative that is dying? Does she hear you? Should you touch them, to let them know you are there? I can feel the pressure of saying everything I never said and should have said, all in these last moments. Will my words go into a void? Will she take them with her?

As the clock ticks away, I find myself telling her I love her. I share with her how I've been struggling with my beliefs, with my faith, with God. I ask her to show me it's all real: God, heaven, the life that we live. I want it to be real, I need it to be. For me. For her. For this here, right now. I tell her I don't want her to be scared. I tell her it's okay to leave now, that we're ready. 

I kiss her, and my mom comes back in the room. 

Normalcy resumes, as normal as it can be in a situation like this. More people come, and I can't shake the loop running continuously through my head:  

Let it be real. Please. Let it be real.

*****

I lost my Nana more than two years ago, yet I remember this moment as though I just lived it. I cannot escape the conflict of emotions and thoughts I felt while I was with her. Saying goodbye to this woman that I loved dearly, who was but a mere reflection of a fate I would one day face.

Death, facing our own mortality, is a frightening concept.

There is something uncomfortable and petrifying about facing our mortality. It brings about the realization that life is finite, that one day the joys of this life, the heartaches, the victories, the struggles, will be diminished to nothing. This life does not come with us.

But to where do we go?

If there is one thought that gives me pause in my struggles with Faith, it is Death. Living the Christian life, believing that God exists and that we commune with Him in this life through Jesus Christ, brings hope to life. It gives life meaning. Our struggles, our toils, lead us to greater things.  Believing in God through Jesus Christ gives hope to death. It gives death meaning, to believe we go enjoy eternity with God. Greater things lie ahead.

There is great comfort in this thought. Comfort in the thought that my dying grandmother did not know fear in those final moments, that she did not know pain. I yearn to believe that there was great light and joy, and that she was ushered out of this life and into the next.

I yearn to believe.

But if you've followed me along this journey, believing is not always easy. I still do not know what I believe, my struggles are still fresh and present. I continue fighting to reconcile the unanswered questions, the things that do not make sense, the parts of life and death that Faith doesn't cover. I continue to struggle with Faith like a blanket too small for my body, pulling up to warm my arms, only to unearth my toes to the cold.

I long to know there is more to this life, that there is meaning. I want to believe that this life is only the title page of a Great Story. But I cannot allow God to win by default. Letting God win by default is a coward's choice. It is the easy choice.  I do not believe Faith means believing in God because the alternative is unbearable.

One should believe in God because He is.

And so I continue to journey on.

Matters of Faith: Wandering

It's been quite a while since I've shared another post in the Matters of Faith series. Perhaps that is due to the fact that not much has changed since my last post. Maybe it's because I'm still struggling, still undecided. But the matter of faith is never far from my thoughts, and I think about faith (and my questions regarding such) on a daily basis. Like, multiple times a day.

Over the past year, I've shared a bit of my religious background,  how I came to struggle with the "Why Factor," and why I hit a lot of walls when it comes to Christians. I still find myself angry, frustrated and wrestling with these issues. I feel because of where I am, I am not really identifying myself as one of faith. 

Yet, I agonize over where I am currently. 

The best way to describe where I am is wandering. But not in a happy-frolicking-in-the-meadow-let's-smell-the-flowers-under-the-gorgeous-blue-sky-as-we-meander kind of way. Rather, I feel like I am in a dark and unfamiliar forest, the path beneath my feet is uncertain and gives away often.  Every tree I see looks the same, the trail seems to run me in unproductive circles and every corner feels foreboding.  I don't like this kind of wandering, because it is unsettling. I'd rather just know: know what I believe, know how I'm supposed to live my life, know what is right.

But I don't.

You see, I still pray.  Daily. I'm not sure why; perhaps it is just familiar.  It feels right to pray. And it feels good, the way a massage feels good on a sore muscle, but for the soul. But if I think too much about prayer, about God, about truth, my mind gets overwhelmed. Because I am faced with all the questions, all the frustrations, all of the jagged edges that I cannot make fit together. When I think too much, faith seems nonsensical or incredulous. When I let my mind crawl over the truths I used to know, God is suddenly either impotent or cruel. Neither attribute I am comfortable assigning to him, but I don't know how to see it any other way. 

Somewhere along the line, that which gave my life sense no longer makes sense. And that makes me feel panicky.

I don't feel animosity towards faith or God. It's not like I cringe when my friends want to share what they are learning in their faith and how they are growing. I really like hearing those things, because still understand those things. Those things still resound with me. Most days, I miss my life of faith.  I feel like I have failed the teenagers I shared Christianity with for the seven years I was a Young Life volunteer, the people who used to look up to me as a woman of faith. When I was following Christianity, my life made sense and I was most happy. I miss the comfort of knowing the direction my life was going, the certainty of what was to come. I despise the feeling of yearning for my faith, yet feeling completely let down by it.  It is unnerving to be unsure of those things. It's uncomfortable to wander.

Yet I believe: Not all who wander are lost.

Truly. And not in the bad excuse kind of way. As much as the bible has become foreign to me, I can't unknow all of the words and stories that had become familiar to me over the years. How many people had wandered: in the desert, away from their people, away from their calling, away from their faith? And how many came back around, albeit circuitously, to the truth they had always known all along? Some of the most compelling people in the history of Christianity had these seasons of wandering. And I hold onto the strange hope that God did not leave them. 

So while I long for Christ yet can't bring myself to believe or understand Him, I am not worried. Nor do I think that God is worried. Because I believe that if God is who He says He is (and IS), He knows exactly where I am going.

And He'll meet me there.

I hold on to that hope. 

Because nothing would bring me more joy than for faith to make sense again. Is that a possibility? Absolutely. But there are a lot of things that I need to reconcile, questions I need answered and hurts that need to be healed before that journey begins, if it were to begin at all. I know if I find my way back, it won't be the same. I will know God differently, and I will look at Christianity, at the world, differently. And perhaps those things can't co-exist. 

We shall see.

I'd love to hear your thoughts: on faith, on God, on my journey, on your journey. However that looks for you.  So leave a comment. Let's talk.

Matters of Faith Part III: Christians

On my Journey with Faith, there have been many things that have contributed to the conflict going on in my mind and heart. In my last post, I shared about some of the things that give me pause - the "Why" questions of this life: Why is there hurt, why is there hypocrisy, why do bad things happen.  I am conflicted over the idea that God is either unable to fix the bad things in this world or chooses to turn a blind eye to them.


But after being a Christian for 15 years, there was another aspect of Christianity that caused me to struggle.  I've thought on this issue a lot, turning it over and over in my mind. I'm uncertain of how to approach it, how to talk about. Either way it comes off offensive, which is not my intention. So I'm just going to dive in by making this statement, and I'm interested to hear thoughts from all sides:

One of the biggest problems with Christianity is Christians

First, let me say this: I am not saying this as a BOOYAH for the non-Christians out there.  I'm not here to throw high fives or do a victory dance.  I don't see this as a victory.


Second, let me say this:  I was one of the offending Christians I am speaking of.


Now, of course, I made a very bold, blanket statement. Let me back up and assure you: I absolutely do NOT think ALL Christians contribute to giving Christianity a bad name.  Many of the people I love most in this life are amazing Christians, who exemplify the greatest attributes of the Christian faith: love, joy, grace, forgiveness, kindness.


But, as the saying goes, it only takes one bad banana to spoil the whole bunch. It only takes one rogue church, one person who abuses and manipulates the bible, to cast a dark cloud over an entire belief system.  This is true of any religion.  Muslims are not bad people, but it only takes one catastrophic and unfortunate event to mar them as a people.  Isn't that true? A handful of misguided Muslims have caused us, as a nation, to stereotype and profile every Muslim in America. This is not fair to all of the people (citizens of the USA) who non-violently practice the Muslim faith.  Just as it is not fair for every Christian to be lumped together with some of the crazy and hurtful things done in the name of Christianity.


That being said, it is easy to get wrapped up in one's faith, and become unaware of how actions are perceived by people outside of it. I think if more Christians (or, really, subscribers to any faith or philosophy) were willing to spend some time digging deep and examining




What they believe


Why they believe it


How those beliefs should affect the way they live






...they might shine a better light on the faith that they love.






Not for their own sake, but for those who are outside looking in.




You only get once chance to make a first impression. And I was unaware of the impression Christians can sometimes make to those who are not Christians until I began to really struggle with my own faith. I realized how easily simple gestures could put off other people. I began to understand what Christianity looked like from the outside, which was a perspective I had lost after being so immersed and wrapped up in my beliefs.


So, I compiled a list of some of the bigger offenses I've personally witnessed some Christians make (mind you: I, myself, having been one of the offenders).  Not to accuse. Not to debate. But to bring up for consideration and discussion.

Warped Community

One of the things I loved about Christianity was the community. There was a large support system of like-minded individuals, journeying along the same path as me.  Over time, I've come to realize some parts of that community can become too insulated, too exclusive.  And when that happens, a "Christian Bubble" is formed.  That community loses a sense of perspective: they forget what it was like to not be a Christian, how the world looks and feels to those outside of their own faith.  But when the supposed essence of Christianity is to share the love and life that is found in God (experienced through said community) to others, an exclusive closed group is not attractive.  Nor does it really reflect the inviting aspects that Christianity possesses.

Jargon

Christians revel in the fact that they were Saved. From a Life of Sin. And Hell. They find connection to God and Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit.  They yearn to have the Fruits of the Spirit blossoming in their lives, and struggle to find their meaning in life by figuring out what their Spiritual Gifts are. So they have quiet times, reading their bible and praying.  And evangelize to the unchurched so that those souls might be saved from damnation through the grace provided by Jesus Christ dying on the Cross.


Do you know what the unchurched are thinking when they hear these words and phrases pouring out of a Christian's mouth?


WHAT THE F?!


Try to imagine having no knowledge of these euphemisms and ideas.  So you are telling me there's a guy. Who was nailed to 2 wooden boards.  Because of this thing called sin. Which really is another word for "we all suck and do bad things."  That sound crazy. And really, the whole idea of spirits can be pretty stinkin' weird. As for being pegged as "unchurched"or "unsaved?"  Probably not the most welcoming or enticing.

Abuse of the Bible

I've seen a lot of horrible acts done in the name of Christianity:  Westboro Baptist Church picketing outside soldier's funerals.  Pat Robertson stating that Hurricane Katrina was God's punishment for abortion. Jim Jones creating a cult called Jonestown, culminating in the mass suicide of 909 people.  Whether crazy or sane, these people validated their actions through bible verses.  


There are definite parts of the bible that condemn homosexuality.  And Christians use those verses to validate marginalizing an entire population of people.  In the south, white Christian Americans justified owning black slaves (which was only the beginning of the awful racism we've seen in our country) because it said it was "ok" in the bible.


While these are some of the bigger instances of bible manipulation, I've seen it in every day conversation. Stating one should pick political candidates solely on the fact they are Christian or Republican (regardless of their credentials).  Bullying homosexuals. Speaking poorly of other races.  Ostracizing those who have opted for divorce. Kicking out a teenager for engaging in pre-marital sex or becoming pregnant.  I've seen some sad abuses of power by those in leadership positions, all in the name of Christianity.

Regardless of whether or not a Christian should or shouldn't agree with those examples (because of what is taught in the bible), no one is given the authority to persecute or judge others.  Because shining within those condemning passages are lines that speak of Truth, Life, Forgiveness and Grace. And sadly, it is those affirming verses that are often forgotten (or purposely ignored).

~~~~~

When I think back to some of my actions and words over the years as a Christian, I am ashamed and embarrassed by how I was (or could have been) perceived by those who are not Christians. As one who is now struggling in her faith and uncertain in what I believe, I'm amazed at how different things are on the "outside. "  Christians don't seem to know what to do with me: should they try to convince me of the error of my ways?  Evangelize me "back to Christ?" Say nothing because they don't know what to say, as though we have nothing in common?  Ostracize me or persecute me because of my wavering beliefs?

I've seen it all.

I'd like to end this post with this encouragement to Christians. And I can say the following because I've been on both sides: 

Remember what life was like before you became a Christian. Try to continually imagine yourself in other people's shoes.  Whether they are completely against believing in what you believe, or just momentarily struggling in their beliefs, non-Christians  (or struggling Christians) are STILL PEOPLE. With thoughts and feelings and ideas that are of value and worth.  You may not agree with what they believe or how they act or the language they use or the people they love.  But they were still created by the God you love.  

And I believe you are called to love them too.

More to come...

Matters of Faith Part II: The Why Factor

A few weeks ago, I shared the beginning story of my journey with Faith.  Having grown up Catholic, later to grow deeply passionate about my Faith in God in high school, I hit a wall a few years ago that I am currently struggling to surmount.  As I left things in the last post, I was "firing more questions and frustrations than my Faith seemed to be able to answer."


Part of growing in one's Christian faith involves reading the bible, learning, studying and putting into practice all that you take in.  So as a staff person for a well-known ministry, I was immersed in learning.  I wanted to grow, as I was also teaching others about my Faith.  


The Bible is a very complicated text.  Perhaps not to technically read, but to process. There are things that contradict, things that don't make sense, things that are difficult to swallow.  When faced with these things, I have found there two roads you can travel down:


Continue to plug through to find answers. Study. Read. Ask. Pray. Meditate. Grapple with the difficult text until you come up with a suitable explanation.


Accept that there are "mysteries of Faith."  Accept that part of having Faith is to be "certain of that which we cannot see."  


I get that. I get that there could be things in this life that are more complex than I can understand.  I get that we are limited beings, and that if there was God, who is unlimited, omniscient, and perfect, there are things that He could grasp and do that I could not.


But the more I read, the more the "inexplicables" started piling up.  And soon "having Faith" wasn't able to contain the mountain of questions that were punching holes through the very Faith that was supposed to be holding my life together.  It felt like the foundation I had been living my life upon started to feel wobbly. I felt the bricks falling out here and there.  And the feeling is unsettling.


I so wanted to believe everything I had always believed: the very Christianity that had given me life, grace and forgiveness.  The Faith that had put purpose and meaning in my life.  The beliefs that gave me hope, even in death.  The God that made the World make sense.


But the holes punched in my Faith became windows to more questions.  And soon, there were things that I could no longer feel good about blindly accepting: the "Why's?" of this strange life:

• Why a beautful, innocent little girl could be ravaged by a disgusting ugly disease that would take her life in just months?  Why ANY child should have to suffer or be taken from this life before getting to actually live it?

• Why humans are capable of doing awful, evil things? Worldwide? In our own neighborhoods?

• Why there is such a gross discrepancy between rich and poor? Why are we so greedy and willing to turn a blind eye to the living conditions of those who live in other parts of the world?

• Why good people are punished by a God for living with a "sin" that He himself "inflicted" them with?  

I know I am over-simplifying these complex issues, and it deserves a longer, more involved conversation. And I haven't taken these issues lightly.  Believe me, it is really hard to face these questions when I was once the one answering these questions. I am at a stale-mate: unable to find answers, comfort or relief in the Bible where I once would. Unable to find peace by chalking up these issues to "God is bigger, God is in control, God has a plan." If anything, it is those sentiments that are now the root of my struggles.


I don't know which is harder for me to accept:


A God who is UNABLE to change or fix the ugly, evil and disgusting things of this World.  This would make God impotent, weak and small.  What good would it be to have Faith in a God like this? And how would a God like this have been able to create this world and everything in it, but then not be strong enough to be in control of it? In this case, God would most certainly not be "bigger, in control, with a plan."

-or-

A God who is completely ABLE to change or fix the ugly evil and disgusting things of this World, but chooses not to.  A sovereign God who allows.  A powerful God who gives beautiful, innocent kids cancer and takes their lives away. A powerful God who does not stop the destructive wars, murders, and genocides that kill His people.  A powerful God who blesses some with money while making others suffer in poverty. In this case, God would be unloving and cruel.




Neither seem like the God I thought I knew. Neither one of these Gods scream sovereignty, love, forgiveness, grace, redemption.


"Having Faith" does not cover this.  


But it does not end here, either.

Matters of Faith - Part I: The Background

There are certain things etiquette tells you not to discuss at a dinner party: 


Money. 


Sex. 


Politics.


But here I am, about to break a cardinal rule by discussing another sensitive topic:

Religion

I've tried to purposely keep my blog somewhat religiously neutral. My intention was never to hide my beliefs (or non-beliefs, as it were). But I find people are often too easily judged and boxed into a pretty package solely on the way they label their faith: 


Christian. 


Jewish. 


Muslim. 


Atheist.


I'm not here to open a huge discussion (can of worms?) on faith. I'm not here to make the case for one viewpoint or another.  And I'd really like to not set off any unintentional debates (as I know religion is something close to one's heart and often worth fighting for). I'm not angry or snarky.  And really, I'm not sure where my thoughts are at this point. I just know I am struggling in this area of my life, and I need a place to process it.  Since I don't want to get too wordy, I'll try to break it into several parts.  I'll bring you part one today.

Part I:  The Background

I grew up in a Catholic family.  Not devoutly Catholic.  But show-up-on-Christmas-and-Easter-and-a-few-random-Sundays Catholic.  I had my first communion. I was baptized. Confirmed.  I went to CCD. And I was generally a good girl, because good girls go to heaven, right?  


Perhaps it was the way I was raised (or maybe it is the innocence of childhood?), but I'd never doubted the existence of God.  It wasn't implausible or unrealistic to believe in a great big other-world caretaker who lived in a wonderful place called heaven.  But God was God, and He lived "up there" and I lived "down here" and apart from the smattering of "help me pass this test" prayers and the few Masses I attended yearly, there was no correlation between me and Him.


Fast forward several years. I'm a freshmen in High School. You remember high school, right? A crazy, volatile time in everyone's life. My freshmen year of high school was particularly so, as my world was rocked: the All-American Beaver Cleaver family I thought I had fell apart when my Dad (quite unexpectedly) announced that he was in love with another woman and he was leaving.  Just like that.  One day: awesome life. Next day: world crumbling.  It was a hard few years of facing my parents divorce and all that it meant for my family (most posts on this to come, by the way).  During that time, I had a great group of friends who were involved with Young Life.  


Young Life was a great escape for my pain. I learned a lot while I was there.  And soon, the idea of God became more personal.  As I learned more about the bible, Jesus and the way the world was supposed to be, Christianity just made sense. At the time, it felt like coming home. I felt that by being in a relationship with God, I was putting my heart back in it's rightful place. I went on to not only participate in Young Life, but in college I became a Young Life leader. And after college (and a few years working as a social worker), I spent a year on staff with Young Life before Little Chica was born.  


But Faith, whatever that means to you, is not always sunshiny happy place.  Faith is where one turns when life gets hard. When the world is ugly.  And soon, I found that the Faith I had sought refuge in and received life from was more complicated and unsettling than I knew.  And I was firing more questions and frustrations than my Faith seemed to be able to answer.






Part II to come...