Practical Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life #Moms4JNJConsumer

Here is the thing about sex: 

Lots of people have it, but no one wants to talk about it. 

Sex is complicated, and many of us find ourselves really struggling in our marriages regarding our sexual relationships. But since sex is this taboo topic, we can't ask the questions and research answers without feeling like a nymphomaniac.

So, I made a decision early in my marriage to be that person.

You see, sex has not been an easy process in my marriage. Up until I first had sex (my husband actually being the one and only person I've ever slept with), sex was this super romantic ideal, painted by the television shows and movies that glorify it. If everything you ever learned about sex was derived from Greys Anatomy and Mad Men, it would be easy to believe that couples hungered for sex every minute of the day, engaging in the act several times within a 24 hour period. In our mind's eye, there is the perfect music soundtrack playing in the background of every sexual encounter. Your partner would whisper all the right words, and bodies would naturally find themselves in just the right positions.


Then you actually have sex.


And it's not...quite like that.


It did not take long to learn that sex takes work, and in turn, is a work-in-progress. It takes time to learn how to communicate, how to move, how to relate. For every moment that sex is wonderful, explosive and thrilling, it can also be awkward, uncomfortable and even unappealing.


I think women struggle with sex. But since it's an unspoken topic, much like politics, religion and money, we suffer in silence. We believe the lie that everyone else has over-the-top sex on a daily basis, that everyone else is a vixen. And we slowly buckle under the guilt, pressure and hopelessness that our love life is destined to be boring and unromantic. This can really lead to rifts in a marriage.


So I talk about sex. Not like a crazy porn star. I ask questions and attempt to engage in discussions. I am mindful of keeping conversations appropriate, and protecting the privacy and reputation of my husband (my general rule of thumb: what, if anything, would I be okay with him asking or discussing with his friends?). I keep the focus on me, I keep things light. And you know what I found?

Other women struggle with the exact same issues.

Other women struggle with having no interest in sex at times. Other women struggle with the actual physical dynamics of sex. Other women struggle with ruts and how to make sex exciting. Other women struggle with husbands who have either raging sexual appetites or seemingly no appetite at all.


The main struggle women seem to have is keeping the flame alive – making sex new, exciting and interesting (and being interested in sex themselves). This is one of my biggest struggles, and I've had to address the struggle intentionally to make progress. Since I'm sure I'm not alone in this area (and ready and willing to talk about it), here are a few ideas that have worked for me in spicing up things in the bedroom:

Think about sex

That's right. Whatever you've been taught about not having naughty thoughts, throw it right out the window. I'm not saying fantasize about every guy that walks by. I'm saying think about having sex...with your husband. Start in the morning. Set reminders. But make thinking about having sex with your husband a regular part of your day. Get lost in it if you can. Women take a lot of time to warm up to sex. By thinking about it all day, you're giving yourself hours to get into the right mindset, allowing your heart and body to follow.

Be Prepared...In the Bedroom

Being caught off guard is a pretty big mood killer. And I know for most women, it's really helpful to have certain items available to assure a good experience. One of those things is lubrication.

Yes. I went there.

Sometimes participating in intimacy is literally impossible without it. So why be shy about talking about it? We've tried several different brands, but I give a big high five to the makers of K-Y brand. They've been around since 1917 (Yes! People were knocking boots even back then!) and is known as a go-to product. Most importantly: it works. 

Friends?

That's all that matters in my book.

 I also really love that they are finding new ways to improve, ahem, relations with products like this:

K-Y® BRAND YOURS+MINE® COUPLES LUBRICANTS® 

(They are actually having a great promotion right now - Look for a special K-Y® Brand Date Night™ display in stores nationwide, featuring details on a gift card offer for a gourmet meal for two delivered to your home from Plated.com and a streaming movie from Vudu.com, valued at $40.

Visit the https://www.k-ydatenight.com/ for more details on this special offer.)

Happy Valentine's Day to us, right? ;)

Get comfortable talking with your partner

Talking about sex isn't naturally comfortable for most. But opening a line of communication between you and your partner will greatly enhance things in the bedroom. Don't suffer in silence! Let your partner know how you feel, even if it's difficult. Let them know what kind of things you enjoy during sex, let them know the things you don't enjoy. Sometimes bottling thoughts and feelings up compiles over time until it's a wall, which is harder to break down. Plus, how can your partner know what to change if you don't tell him?

Change the dynamic

Ruts happen when you do the same thing over and over again. Or maybe you're not in a rut: you've never gotten off to a good start. Try something different: Change the lighting (do you always make love with the lights off? Try lighting candles or dim the lights); Change the location (if you always opt for the bed, try the floor. Or try a different room altogether – the kitchen perhaps?); Change the position. But make a change and see if it lights a spark.

Wear sexy panties

This goes along with some of the things I've touched on already, but try wearing sexy underwear or a thong. Put it on when you wake up, and wear it throughout the day. No one will know but you. But it will remind you to think sexily (I think I just made up a word). And really, wearing sexy things just makes you feel sexy. Another option is to go out and buy some new lingerie. 

Overall, it's about letting yourself feel beautiful so you can embrace that your partner undoubtedly thinks you are beautiful too. Spruce up before The Act: brush your teeth (thankful for Rembrandt), freshen your breath (hello, Listerine!), maybe even throw on some make up (Neutrogena is a great choice!). 

Let yourself feel beautiful!

Put it on the calendar

This doesn't work for me, but I know it works for others. Make a sex date with your hubby. Maybe it's once a week (or three times a week. Or bi-weekly. Whatever works for you), but mark it on the calendar. Maybe just put a heart around the date. But set that time aside ahead of time. This gives you a chance to prepare (send the kids to grandma's that night. Shower. Shave. Buy those sexy panties). And preparation is not just physical, but mental as well. For some, it is a real turn off to have sex sprung on them. Knowing that sex is going to happen later that night gives you a chance to prepare.

Talk with your gal pals

I'm not saying give a play-by-play at Moms Group. I just mean get the door open for conversation. It is important to protect your privacy, as well as your partner's privacy. So try not to get too specific. But if you are having an issue, mentally or emotionally (even physically), other women might be able to help. I have a great group of girlfriends who came around me when I finally admitted, “I never want to have sex. This is kind of a problem.” They offered great advice and support (and ideas on how to get my head in the game).

Act the part

Sometimes, we aren't in the mood for sex. Perhaps it's been a bad day with the kids, or you've got other things on your mind that are distracting you. Maybe you've always had problems desiring or wanting to engage in sex. Try acting the part. I'm not encouraging you to lie to your partner. I'm encouraging you to have the freedom of physically acting the part in sex. Often, if given enough time, your mind and heart will follow. Sometimes it takes diving in to actually get into the mood. We stop ourselves at “I don't really feel like it,” before giving it a go and seeing if it just takes getting warmed up. Consider being the one to initiate sex if you usually wait for your partner to initiate. Taking the reigns, so to speak, might be just the jump you need to be excited about the activity!

Laugh and have fun

If you are stressed, sex becomes a chore. And it's not good for a relationship if sex becomes something you resent. Instead, keep an open mind. Don't have set expectations. If things get a little awkward, laugh. If you aren't sure what step to take next, laugh. Let sex be fun. The change in attitude might change your feelings as well.


I hope you feel encouraged that everyone has things to work on in their relationship. It definitely helps to feel like you are not alone. The important thing is to accept those things that could use work and then have fun trying new solutions! Best of luck!


I'd love to know:

Is this something YOU struggle with?

What has worked to help you “get in the mood?”

If you want coupons on some of the brands I mentioned so YOU can be PREPARED (ahem) for Valentine's Day, you can find them at HealthyEssentials.com. Get $2 off K-Y Brand here.

This post is part of the HEALTHY ESSENTIALS® 2014 program by Johnson & Johnson Consumer Companies, Inc. and The Motherhood, who sent me a box of products and compensated me for my time. Opinions, experiences and photos shared here are all my own, and I hope you enjoy them.

5 Tips for A Better Marriage #MotivationMonday

In the beginning of a relationship, you are always motivated: motivated to see the person, motivated to be the right kind of person, motivated to act lovingly, motivated to dress up and look nice, motivated to treat the other person with respect.

Hubby and I, seven months after our wedding day.

At some point, that relationship gets serious, then committed, and you find yourself married. There are new seasons to enjoy as a married couple, but the newness wears off after a while and the infatuation dies down. You find that loving the other person, and acting accordingly, is sometimes down right difficult. 

Over time, relationships get real.

And then you have kids.

Your worlds are rocked. When you get married, you make the transition from being "me" focused to being "we" focused. When you have kids, many parents make their focus "them," only to forget about the ever-important "us."  As mothers and fathers, we are motivated daily to be better parents: we stress when we fail, we are proud when we are victorious. We research the best things for our little ones, making sure we do everything the correct way to raise them up right. We quickly put them first.

So when did we stop treating our marriages with the same respect, focus and determination? When did we stop being motivated to be better spouses?

Friends, I'm not sure where you are in your marriage. I've known my husband for well over a decade, and we've been married going on seven years this December. We have had our ups and downs, and I am generally very proud of our marriage. But like every relationship we have plenty to work on. Let me rephrase: I have plenty to work on (I won't speak for him!). I've noticed is how easily I take for granted the day to day. We focus so much on our kids, that we often let "us" fall to the wayside.

It's time to start focusing on "us" again, people.

So I've made a list of 5 Tips for a Better Marriage. No, these are not my "expert thoughts." I actually laugh at the thought of this. No, this is a list created to remind ME of how I can be working toward a better marriage.  I figured it wouldn't hurt to share it with you, since I'm hoping I'm not the only one whose relationship is a work-in-progress :)

Check In

Sometimes it is good to just check in with your spouse. Take a moment at some point during the day - when you get home from work, when the kids are in bed, over breakfast - and ask how the other is doing. What's going on in your life? What is interesting you right now? What's stressing you? Often we think we know what is going on with our spouse, so we don't take the time to ask and really listen. You might be surprised what you'll find out by taking even 30 minutes to have a conversation with one another.

Also? Check in periodically throughout the day. It helps your partner know you are thinking of them and care about what they are doing when you aren't together. Text. Email. Phone call. Singing telegram. Whatevs.

(Bonus points to anyone who sends their spouse a singing telegram. Please make sure to video tape this and send it to me).

Be a Team

Sometimes I find that Hubby and I can get out-of-sync once in a while. When we exist like this, we function as two parts - him doing his thing, me doing mine. But it is not cohesive, and the essence of being married is being a team. If you find yourself out-of-sync, or as I like to call it, "not on the same page," make plans to work on things together: tackling household chores together, running errands together, tending to the kids together. Even if you have opposite schedules, see if you can find some way to make a team connection during the day. Working together can sometimes help remind us that we're united. It is good to remember that marriage is the Ultimate Team Work.

Respect

In my opinion, respect is one of the greatest attributes of a marriage. And if you lose it, it's really hard to earn back. When relationships get lost in the day-to-day, respect can begin to dwindle: in the way you respond to one another, in the way you speak, in the way you handle disagreements and the overall way you view your spouse. In the beginning of your relationship, you afforded great respect to your partner. Make sure that you still treat your spouse with respect, even if you are struggling to feel in love. 

When you fight, try not to yell.  When you are arguing, don't call each other names. It's easy to say things you regret when you are angry, but remember you can't take those things back. And each disrespect awarded to someone chips away at their respect of you. 

Find ways to show your spouse you respect them. For instance: If you'll be home late,  call and let your spouse know what time you'll be home. Sometimes a small act like this can go a long way in showing you respect another person.

Choose Your Battles

Lawdy, you'd think after 7 years I'd be better at this! And believe me, I've come a loooooong way. Many newlyweds go through this: two people with two sets of expectations of how life is to be lived coming together and trying to sync as one. It takes a while. 

So let's just get to the honesty part of things: In the beginning of our marriage, I was a nag. I had expectations of how our house would be kept, and Hubby's was not quite the same as mine. I nagged about picking towels up, about taking trash out, about laundry and cleaning dishes. 

Friends: in the scheme of life, whether or not the dishes were cleaned will not matter.

This was a hard realization for me to come to and accept. I wanted things done my way. And in marriage, we are not islands. There is compromise. In a marriage there will always be things that cause friction. And with each issue I am faced with, I have to ask myself, "Is this a hill to die on?" Sometimes, yes, it is worth processing or tackling. Most of the time, though? It's not worth it. More times than not, it's my own selfishness, willing me to be right. 

And those are the things worth letting go.

Say "I Love You"

Isn't it funny that this is one of the more difficult things for me to do?  Now here's the thing: I love my husband more than the stars. But sometimes verbalizing that is uncomfortable to me. Not because I don't mean it, but because emotions are difficult for me sometimes. I processed this "Love Language Dilemma" in a post not too long ago. And while I can easily show my love by whipping up someone's favorite meal or getting a really thoughtful gift, I struggle when it comes to physically or verbally sharing love. It's something I am actively working on (and seeing progress, by the way!). 

Whether you are well-versed in sharing love or the idea of public displays of affection (verbal or physical) make you panic, it's important that your spouse hears you say those 3 little words every day: 

I. 
Love. 
You. 

Not in passing or as they are on their way out the door. But embracing your spouse, looking them in the eye and saying, "I love you." Make that connection, because even if you think you are showing your spouse love, they may not be receiving your signals. Breakdown of communication leads to a downward spiral, believe me!

~~~~~

So what do you think? Do you have things under control? Or are there things to work on in your relationship? I am always surprised that when I intentionally put extra effort into my relationship, there is always a positive return on my investment :) 

I want to hear from you:

What would be YOUR 

5 Tips for a Better Marriage?

I would LOVE more ideas on things I could be doing to work on my relationship! So please leave a comment and be a part of the conversation!

~~~~~~

I Dream About Tornados

I dream about tornados.

I mean, I dream about other things too.  Some of which I forget before I even wake up.  But since my childhood, I've had recurring dreams.  They are not always the same exact dream, but they revolve around the same theme.


In one of the recurring-themed dreams, I am walking in a familiar place, when I am suddenly face to face with a giant wild animal. And I don't mean like a stray cat. I mean a large grizzly bear or a lion. This animal is there, larger than life, totally free from restraint. I am completely taken off guard every time. But it's dangerous and there is no where that is safe to flee to or hide.


It's unnerving.


In another recurring dream, I am back in high school.  I am walking the halls, and it suddenly occurs to me that I've missed one of my classes all year long.  Like, I just completely forgot to go to it.  The class is usually math, as it was my worst subject in high school.  But this feeling of panic and dread washes over me as I realize I am completely going to fail this class.  Immediately after that thought is the second realization that I have no idea 1) where my classroom is and 2) how to get to it.  I head to the main office, where I explain I don't know my schedule and I need to find my class.  They tell me generally where the classroom is, and I rush out to find out.  The walls and halls begin to look less familiar, and I become lost.  The dream usually starts to unravel at this point, as I cannot remember where any of my classes are. 


Some of my most memorable recurring dreams involve tornados.  We've established on this blog that I was a bit of a geek when I was a kid.  Maybe a lot of a geek: Rock collections. Complete lack of anything resembling athletic ability. Bad haircut. No fashion sense. Always had my nose in a book. And I loved science.  LOVED science. I still do.  And one of my favorite general areas of science has always been Earth and Space science, particularly weather.


So, every week when our class had library time, I would spend the 30 minutes pulling every weather-related book I could find and pouring over the literature.  If I could find books with fantastic pictures of destructive weather phenomenon (hurricanes, tornados, etc), even better. The pictures struck me with a sense of fear and awe. I was amazed that something as simple as cotton ball clouds had the ability to become ferocious and fatal.  I was enamored with the beauty nature could create: the slender and graceful tower of spinning clouds; the purple, blue and green skys; the unique shapes; the solemn dance of lightening. 


It was magical.  And completely frightening.  But magical all the same.


But it is never magical when I dream about tornados.


I think I've narrowed down that I dream about tornados when I am stressed or feeling chased and cornered by life circumstances. I guess most of those stressful dreams happen when I am feeling lost, overwhelmed or scared by life.  But the tornado dreams happen most often and are the most prominent in my mind.  They are vivid, and the dream always starts ominously. Just like in the movies (as I've never actually experienced a tornado in real life), my dream is eerily quiet and strangely devoid of people, as though everyone got a memo about getting the heck out of Dodge and I did not.  I sense there is something about to happen, that something is coming, but I do not know what.


The colors stand out to me, even now thinking back on the dreams.  The sky is always a sickening shade of green or blue, like a bruise.  The clouds are bulbous and bloated.  And the air is still. Silent.  Sometimes I am in my house, completely distracted with a chore or a task when I realize that something is wrong.  Other times I am out and about, perhaps driving or walking.  


And then I see it.  A thin funnel in the distance.  The realization of what I am looking at takes a moment to sink in.  But quickly panic washes over me. I am in danger. I am alone.  


And I have no idea what I am supposed to do.


If there is one thing I cannot stand, it is being out of control.  Out of control of my life. My circumstances. My schedule. My emotions.  I struggle with it. I am aware of it. But as with all weaknesses, it is an uphill battle to overcome.  I see how this attribute affects me in many areas of my life: my parenting, my marriage, my relationships, my own sense of peace (or, rather, anxiety).  I wish I was one of those people who was laid-back, easy-going and flexible. I desperately want to be that person.  I try to be that person.  But, like I said. 


Uphill battle. 


We visited my Dad and stepmother a few weeks ago.  We were dealing with a central air conditioner that broke the day before we were supposed to leave (in a heatwave, nonetheless), so we ended up having to stay at my moms before we left.  Over the course of 5 days, I was completely out of my comfort zone: having the kids sleeping in unfamiliar places, schedules completely thrown off, fighting with our HVAC company while being out of town.  Many people can say, C'est la vie, and go with the flow.


Not me.

No, I start to seize up and panic and lose ability to function.  I imagine worst-case scenarios: the children won't sleep well [which happened], the children will wake each other up because of paper thin walls [which happened], the kids will wake up early and schedules are thrown to the wind [which happened], kids will melt down a bit from being overstimulated and overtired [which happened], the air conditioner doesn't get fixed right away [which happened].

Those things all happened.  And did we survive? Yes. Are we ok? Yes. Did life go on? Yes.

But I despise it just the same. Amidst the not-so-relaxing vacation, we were also pummeled by several unexpected expenses and bills that were completely out of our control. It feels a bit like we are drowning, and I just want to throw my hands up, look to the sky and demand, "SERIOUSLY?!"

Will life go on? Yes.  Will we be ok? Most likely.  Will we survive? 

I hope so.

You'd think by now I would learn how to cope with life, with the unexpected, with difficulty.  I've had my share of hard stuff to deal with in my life.  And I deal, but not quite the way I wish I did. Because life is hard.  And much like my dreams, we are taken off guard and given no place to turn and hide.  

I have a long way to go until I am the parent who handles all situations with ease, the wife who can go with the flow, the girl who manages her relationships competently, the woman who does not look at life as one big predictable schedule.

But I am working on it. 

And until then, I will most likely continue to dream about tornados.