Discussion Questions about Race and Justice for Families | An American Girl Story - Melody 1963: Love Has to Win

We recently had The Talk with L. 

And, inadvertently, with M, who caught a good bit of the conversation because she was in close proximity. And by "had The Talk," I mean "some semblance of information was relayed from me to the girls that was mostly biological and probably not complete but let's hope they don't get tested on it any time soon."

Since starting this blog, I've run the gamut of parenting seasons. And I'll be honest: none have been easy. Sure, some are easier than others. But they all bring their own challenges. When the girls were babies, it was the overwhelming physical challenge of trying to keep them alive and stop them from crying and sneaking in sleep sometimes. 

Now that the girls are older, I find the parenting challenges to be deeper. We're at the stage of imparting knowledge and guiding them so that they'll be mostly functioning adults that make mostly good decisions and generally contribute to society in positive ways. 

THAT IS A BIG FREAKING JOB, PEOPLE.

A lot of this season is having hard conversations. Some are uncomfortable (Lord help me when they finally connect that while women have eggs and men have sperm, they have to, at some point, unite to make a baby) while others are more momentous, because these conversations are building blocks that will have lasting effects on how the girls will look at culture and history and the world and the people in it, so don't screw this up okay?

With various events over the past few years playing out over media, it's important to me to have conversations about race and justice with the girls. Not because they'll accidentally see it, but because it's important and I want my girls to know what is right, to speak out for the good of all and to be agents of change. They are mostly unaware of the harsh realities for people of color in our country, and I know that comes from a place of privilege. I'm so aware of it. And my girls need to be aware of it, too, because they have classmates for whom those harsh realities are life and privilege is not their friend.

So we do talk about it, and we try our best to be very honest and real about the topic. But it often helps to have a springboard for those conversations, especially when kids are young. 

When I saw that American Girl had come out with a new movie about Melody, a 10-year-old African-American girl living in Detroit during the Civil Rights Movement, I was excited to jump on the opportunity to make this a learning moment.

We got to finally watch the movie on Amazon this weekend. And it was fantastic. Melody's story did not hold back, shedding light on what life was like in the 1960's for black and brown people in America. We stopped the movie several times to talk about what we were watching, answer questions and share our thoughts. At a few points, L was frustrated at the unfairness of Melody's situation. 

So we talked about it: the history of black people in America, slavery, the Emancipation Proclamation, Dr. King, and that while we've come a long way, there is still a long way to go. 

You know, just your normal run-of-the-mill Saturday night, right?

Above all, we left the movie with the challenge that we have a part to play in, as Melody says, making this country a better place for everybody. A challenge I take seriously, and will continue to challenge my daughters on.

I feel it is important for white families to be having these conversations with their kids, so that we are raising our children to be part of the solution. Our privilege often hinders us from having these conversations because we can choose to ignore the issues and not be affected. Yet, by doing so, we are affecting the continued issue of race and injustice in this country. Watching Melody's story is a great way to begin having those conversations.

To help facilitate conversation with your kids, I wrote up a few discussion questions that we found important and engaging as we watched the movie. Some are more nuanced for older kids, but you know your kids best. However you choose to have these discussions, just make sure you are having them! I hope these questions help spur on good conversation with your kids.

Discussion Questions for
An American Girl Story - Melody 1963: Love Has to Win

1) Why did Melody's Papa say black people were safer on the moon than in Detroit?

2) Why were the kids in school mean to Melody?

3) What did Melody notice about the mannequins at the clothing store? How is Melody's shopping experience different than yours?

4) How did it make you feel watching the way Melody's family was treated?

5) In response to girls saying she doesn't belong at school, Melody says, "I belong everywhere you do." Is that true today?

6) What did Melody mean when she says "The Pledge of Allegiance is a lie"?

7) What differences do you notice between the school where Melody goes and the school where most of the kids in her neighborhood go?

8) What is it mean to be "indivisible?"

9) How can you work to make this country a better place for everybody?

Parenting and Preconceived Notions

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"When I grow up I'm going to marry John."

We were driving, running errands while her big sister was at school. There is one month between Chica starting school and Bug starting school. Sometimes that month can seem v-e-e-e-e-r-y l-o-o-o-o-n-g. But I mainly soak up this special time with just the two of us. She has my undivided attention, no big sister to steal her spotlight. We talk about a lot of things. And just like on many of our car rides, her small voice piped up from the backseat. A seemingly innocent assertion, but one that opened a door to a greater conversation.

I've spent a lot of time thinking recently. About many things, but largely on parenting. My parenting. In today's culture. Our society certainly doesn't make it easy. But perhaps that is what every parent thinks during their season in history. We've seen so many setbacks and victories in the past few years, and it's telling about how our culture is moving, growing and remaining stagnant.

My own mind has experienced many setbacks and victories during these years as well. I've learned that my beliefs, my perspectives, are less permanent than I originally thought. That, really, they are quite viscous, ebbing and flowing, taking new shapes as they encounter new pieces of information. Over the years I've examined myself inside and out (a well-examined life, one might say), challenging the notions that are the bricks and mortars of my worldview.

Children are pliable creatures, sponges soaking up all things. In my examinations of self, I realized that the building blocks of my thoughts about life were constructed before I was actually conscious of most things regarding life. It starts with watching the world around as small children, listening to conversations, particularly from the primary people in our life. Our parents.

This realization struck me hard. As I've challenged my ways of thinking, turning them over to decide what is right, what is good, I see that what I'm actually fighting against are the preconceived notion building blocks set up during childhood by my parents and other trusted adults. Growing up, community was almost entirely caucasian. How those of different skin colors were regarded, described and treated were little building blocks set in mortar. My notions, stereotypes, prejudices and beliefs about race were formed.

I grew up for the first part of my life in a home where my parents, a man and a woman, were married. This is what was normal to me, what I was encouraged to anticipate some day. "One day you'll meet a prince and you'll get married!" My Barbies were always paired with Kens. So, I naturally believed and sought to marry a man, who was most likely white, one day when I was old enough. There were building blocks forming my notions, stereotypes, prejudices and beliefs about relationships.

I had the privilege of a stay-at-home mom when I was young. Her presence was always there, which was a comfort. As this was my basis for normal, it never occurred to me that women could 1) choose not to have children and 2) could work outside of the home. My parents never drilled this, and of course taught me to be industrious and motivated. But my experienced told me girls grew up into women who got married, had children and became homemakers. This was a notion that haunted me during the first few years of my own transition to motherhood. Because although it was never said to me, it felt wrong for me to do anything other than be a stay-at-home mom. Yet I felt so unsettled and struggled a great deal with identity.

While children are pliable, sponge-like beings, we become more rigid and calcified as we grow. Building blocks placed in wet mortar harden and set. As an adult, examining and challenging these foundations has been frustrating. My black and white understanding of race, of gender, of relationship, of equality started turning hazy and grey. My foundation felt unstable. Having kids only pushed me to challenge further. Because my worldview no longer impacted only me; it now impacted my daughters.

So what does one do when they face firm walls that need to be rearranged? They work to break them down, piece by piece. Which is how I've spent the last few years of my life. Every news story provided an opportunity: every presidential race, every marriage law passed, every racial injustice headline written, every mass shooting covered, every technological advance made, I have a chance to take what I know and challenge it.

On this journey, I've also come to realize the weightiness of words. If I tell my daughter that one day she'll grow up and marry a man and become a mommy, I'm placing preconceived notion building blocks about love and relationships into wet mortar. The way I choose to refer to someone of a different skin color, a different ethnicity than me within their ear shot will mold their understanding of race. If I allow myself to berate my looks or comment on my weight in front of my girls, they will store this away as appropriate self-worth.

Building walls.

Brick by brick.

My children will inevitably make big life decisions some day. Perhaps my daughter will choose to never get married. Maybe she'll marry a man they love. He may be white. Or Asian. Or brown. Or martian. Maybe she'll marry a woman. Maybe she'll opt to be a stay-at-home mom. Perhaps she'll choose to a career outside of the home. She may decide to not have kids at all.

When it all comes down to it, what is normal? What is right? What is good?

Regardless of the decisions my sweet girls make, they will stand firm in the knowledge that we love them, support them and do not judge them. They will not suffer from the internal guilt or quietly bear the agony that comes from feeling like they've disappointed their parents due to whatever path they've chosen in life.

So, I choose my words and reactions carefully. I allow conversations to play out. I ask questions. I work hard to be open-ended, transparent and accepting. And, above all, I make sure they know they are loved.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"When I grow up I'm going to marry John. And when I grow up I'm going to have babies."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. I'm going to be a mommy too."

"Well, I think you'd make a great mommy if that's what you choose."

In the rearview mirror, I see her brow furrow, and I brace myself for where the conversation will go next.

"And I'll let my kids eat snack all. day. long."

"Oh, is that so?"

"Yep! They can have anything they want."

"I see where this is going."

"All day. Whatever they want."

"I'm guessing you wish I gave you more snacks."

::Side-eye::

::shrug::

"Well, I love you, little snack monster."

"Love you too, Mom."


Life Lesson #5271: deep, life-changing lessons come in all shapes and sizes.

Talking to Kids About Race {Guest Post}

A friend of mine (who also blogs) (and also has a preschooler and a baby) will be sharing 2 posts that she created for a seminary class around the topic of talking to our kids about race.  In light of some of my recent thoughts and posts, I felt it was timely and a good discussion to be having.  I'd love for you to weigh in, give your thoughts, and share!


Today will be Melissa's first post about WHY it's important to talk to kids about race.

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Why Talk To Kids About Race?

Thanks to Steph for letting me post on her blog!  I should start of by saying I'm not an expert on children and race. I'm a seminarian at Princeton Theological Seminary and a parent of a preschooler and an infant. The information I share below is part of a project I did for a class on critical race theory. I wanted a resource for talking to my children about differences in skin color so I put together this guide.


I'll be sharing this information in two posts. The first, why it's important to talk to your kids about race. The second, how to talk to your kids about race.


Why do we have to talk about race with our children? 
Attitudes about race and ethnicity begin forming early on. We get information for these judgments both directly and indirectly. Children see the way race plays out among teachers, friends, parents' friends, doctors, nurses, wait staff, house cleaners, the unemployed, and the homeless. By age twelve their attitudes about race are primarily set. Providing a safe place for our children to explore issues of race is an important part of starting this formation in the right way.


Why do we have to start so young? 
Children begin to notice physical differences from birth (studies show that babies as young as six-months old can discriminate on the basis of skin color!). Rebecca Bigler concludes from her studies conducted at the University of Texas - Austin that children are prone to in-group favoritism. Children naturally make sense of their world through categorization, and they most heavily rely on visual cues. This is a natural part of their development, and children will process their self-identification by identifying what defines them as "good" and what defines the differences of others as "bad." 


By the time children are five years old they begin to place value judgments on these categories of difference and similarity. This is a crucial period in the development of attitudes about difference. Children between ages five and eight are old enough to think about more complex ideas such as race but still young enough to be flexible about these beliefs. By the time children are in fourth grade their racial attitudes are much more rigid and difficult to change.


Isn't it better to ignore race differences and encourage children to be color-blind? 
All physical human differences, including race, are clearly visible to children. If we don't talk about race with our children they will begin making judgments on their own. "Bigler contends that children extend their shared appearances much further—believing that those who look similar to them enjoy the same things they do. Anything a child doesn't like thus belongs to those who look the least similar to him. The spontaneous tendency to assume your group shares characteristics—such as niceness, or smarts—is called essentialism." 


An important study by Phyllis Katz, then at the University of Colorado, looked at 100 white and 100 black three-year olds to discover how they think about race: 


Katz showed them photographs of other children and asked them to choose whom they'd like to have as friends. Of the white children, 86 percent picked children of their own race. When the kids were 5 and 6, Katz gave these children a small deck of cards, with drawings of people on them. Katz told the children to sort the cards into two piles any way they wanted. Only 16 percent of the kids used gender to split the piles. But 68 percent of the kids used race to split the cards, without any prompting. In reporting her findings, Katz concluded: "I think it is fair to say that at no point in the study did the children exhibit the Rousseau type of color-blindness that many adults expect." 


Color-blindness is a myth and starting with premise can lead to harmful racialized attitudes later in life. 


In my next post I'll share some guidelines for talking about race with your preschool-aged children.

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What do YOU think? Do you feel it's important to talk to kids about race? How do you, as a parent, handle the subject?

Leave a comment - we'd love to hear your thoughts!

And thanks Melissa - we look forward to Post #2!